Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

Dear Wife:



I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good…!!! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a girl!” but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99… After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

 

I was told that a weed is just a plant out of it's correct environment.

Where do bindis belong?

 

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?"
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto..
"Where on earth did you get that?" asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here - Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie
is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish - just one," said the genie.
The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

 

What is the hardest thing ever, to do?



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Milk Arrowroot biscuits !

 

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up, and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands, clear up to his elbows. He used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up, and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door, he said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University, and they taught us not to **** on our hands."

 

What do you get when you cross an Ipod with a Christmas tree?







A pineapple. (Blame the kids for that one).

 

However, the Scotch finger biscuits.

 

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots"
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.




Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

Jesus walks into a hotel room with a bag of nails and asks.... "can you put me up for the night?" ...

 

When you catch a fish and put it back, do you reckon it goes back to its mates and says it was abducted by aliens?

 

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the peed off doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do, to stop people from asking you for legal advice, when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared a batch of bills.

Before he left to go out to mail them, he checked his mailbox and there was a bill from the lawyer

 

Paddy and Mick are at the job centre looking for work. They come across a sign that says "tree fellers wanted". Paddy says to Mick, "Ahhh, what a pity there's only the two of us ...

 

Outstanding.

 

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command "!: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program - that usually doesn't end well.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

 

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.