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Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Living Room' started by HD_ACE, 18th Jun, 2015.

  1. HD_ACE

    HD_ACE Game-Changer Premium Member

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    Perth
    A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, you! You're a fat b☆☆☆h!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

    On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said "Hey, you! You're a fat b☆☆☆h!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

    The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey! Hey, you!" it said.

    "What?" She asked.

    "You know what!"
     
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  2. Mumbai

    Mumbai Well-Known Member

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    Wedding night sex:

    Manager proudly said: that he did "it" 7 times with his wife on his wedding night.

    Supervisor next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep 1st night.

    All turned towards a fresher n asked how many times did he do on his wedding night.

    Fresher replied: only once sir.

    Manager laughed n asked: why?

    Fresher replied: my wife wasn't used to it sir!

    Pindrop silence

    And a lesson learnt politely
     
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  3. Redwing

    Redwing Well-Known Member

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    1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
    "Because I said so, that's why."

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC...
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    7. My mother taught me IRONY.
    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
    "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY..
    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

    13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
    "Stop acting like your father!"

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    "Just wait until we get home."

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
    ”You are going to get it when you get home!"

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

    19. My mother taught me ESP..
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

    20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."

    23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

    25. My mother taught me about CHOICE.
    "Do you want me to stop this car?"

    And my favourite:

    25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
     
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  4. HD_ACE

    HD_ACE Game-Changer Premium Member

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    A bloke enters a bar carrying a crocodile under one arm. He says to the drinkers,
    'Heres the deal, I will open this crocks mouth and place my package inside it's mouth. It will close it's mouth for one minute and then open it and i will remove my package unscathed.If it works, everyone buys me drinks'.

    The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants, and places his package inside the crocodiles mouth. After one minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle, and bangs the crocodile on the head. It opens wide and he removes his package unmarked. Everyone buys him drinks.

    The man then offers $1000 to anyone who has the guts to give it a go.
    After a while a hand goes up in the back belonging to a huge hairy bloke with no shirt on.

    "Ill give it a try" he yells,
    "But you better not hit me on the head with that beer bottle".
     
  5. HD_ACE

    HD_ACE Game-Changer Premium Member

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    Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie.
    He grants them each one wish.
    The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
    As does the second guy.
    The third guy says,

    "I'm lonely, I wish my friends were back here".
     
  6. Flyingace

    Flyingace Member

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    Location:
    Gold Coast
    A woman goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre so he gave her one.
     
  7. Random Username

    Random Username Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    NSW
    An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, near Longreach, for a shave and a haircut.

    He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

    The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
     
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  8. HD_ACE

    HD_ACE Game-Changer Premium Member

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    A university student at home for the holidays approaches his dad and asks if they can talk.

    "Dad i have to tell you something, i know this will come as a shock but I am gay. Are you upset with me?"
    The father sighed, "not as upset as your mother is going to be"
    "Why father, do you think she will be angry?"

    "Angry laughed the dad, no. She will be bloody devestated because now she owes me 100 bucks".
     
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  9. HD_ACE

    HD_ACE Game-Changer Premium Member

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    I have one word for woman that look at me like i am some sort of sex object!

    HI ;)
     
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  10. pinkboy

    pinkboy Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Mackay, Qld
    Like:


    pinkboy :p
     
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  11. Biz

    Biz Well-Known Member

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    Sydney
    What do The Rock, Rocky Balboa and Rock Hudson all have in common?
















    They all got punched in the ring.
     
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  12. HD_ACE

    HD_ACE Game-Changer Premium Member

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    3 out of 4 marriages end in failure.
    If you went sky diving and the instructor said
    "3 of the 4 parachutes won't open"
    Would you still f☆☆☆ing jump?
     
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  13. LibGS

    LibGS Well-Known Member

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    Melbourne, Australia
    A man is walking down the street and walks past a prostitute. She calls to him and says, "I'll do anything you want for 200 dollars if you can describe it in 3 words".

    He thinks carefully, looks at her and says, "paint my house".
     
  14. HD_ACE

    HD_ACE Game-Changer Premium Member

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    A husband gets home, kicks off his boots, sits in his favourite chair and thrns on the tv. He yells out to his wife
    "Quick, get me a beer before it starts".
    She gets him a beer and carries on as she was. 2 minutes later he says
    " Quickly, grab me another beer before it starts"
    She reluctantly places another beer beside him while she gives him the look.
    Just as he is finishing the first beer he says
    "Quick, get me another couple of beers it's about to start"
    She storms over and starts yelling
    "I am sick of you allways coming home to the tv and beer and expecting me to drop everything to serve you"
    The husband says

    " Ahh sh♢t it's started"
     
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  15. HD_ACE

    HD_ACE Game-Changer Premium Member

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    No youporn, I do not want to play poker. I am at work.
     
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  16. Sashatheman

    Sashatheman Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Sydney (West), Australia
    • Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man walks up and exposes himself to them. Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach.

    • Priest walks into a hotel reception and says 'I have booked a room for the night, but I hope the pornography on the television is disabled'. The receptionist say 'You weirdo, its normal porn!'

    • John: knock knock

      Nana: Who's there?

      John: John!

      Nana: John whooo?

      John begins to cry as he realizes his Nana's Alzheimers has progressed to such a severity that she can no longer remember who he is.
     
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  17. Redwing

    Redwing Well-Known Member

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    WA
    Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

    "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

    Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

    "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
     
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  18. turk

    turk Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Victoria
    An oldie but goodie(pun intended)

    Sunday Morning Sex

    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

    If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,

    make a doctor's appointment.

    I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
     
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  19. rhinsor

    rhinsor Well-Known Member

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    Perth
    Why did the koala fall out of the tree?


    It was dead.
     
  20. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    15th Jun, 2015
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    Location:
    Canberra
    Oh no.

    The door has been opened to the whole genre of silly jokes. Elephants, Tarzan and strawberries. Knock knocks and shaggy dogs. The forum has just degenerated.