Health & Family Would you care/adopt grandchild again?

Discussion in 'Living Room' started by Stoffo, 16th Oct, 2017.

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  1. Kassy

    Kassy Well-Known Member

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    She is so beautiful!

    No advice from me except get some legal advice prior to making any decisions. Some one here may be able to recommend a family law expert in your neck of the woods.

    Take care and good luck with whatever you decide!
     
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  2. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    Thanks
    Have been doing the legal path ;)
    But at $350+ an hour, its worse than owning a boat :confused:
    Have listed one IP for sale already (coffers nearing empty):(
     
  3. Westminster

    Westminster Tigress at Tiger Developments Business Member

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    Hey @Stoffo. I was thinking about you the other day - you know as you do about someone you've never met who lives across the country :p

    I was wondering how things progressed with this and how it's going for you guys.
     
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  4. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    Hi @Westminster
    I have thought on many occasions about updating this, but in all honesty not much (yet everything) has changed.
    Yesterday was one year on from her actual due date, we had a great first b'day on 2nd September.
    Aylah is great, yay for Aylah, and grumpa claps (yes, Bec coind me Grumpa)
    Aylah is 99% happy, she babbles a lot still and recently started walking also.
    Mummy is still off with the fairies, she comes and goes, but isn't mum !
    Daddy still has custody every second week (though it is his mother that does the majority of the care).
    We have been off to the Federal Circuit Court twice already, we weren't fighting daddy's application for full custody and didn't take legal representation , we just wanted to ensure the mum had set visitation rights, the Judge told us to lawyer up and lodge our paperwork in the correct manner. So it is all expensive again.
    After this, at pick up the other grandparents verbally abused, insulted and degraded Bec (while holding Aylah) , this was the point that we thought maybe they aren't the right place for Aylah and decided to lodge for full custody !
    It turns out that theirs is not a very happy household (there is 3 current avo's in place).
    We are hoping to have a decision at our next appearance in Jan next year.
    Is it expensive, Very
    Is it going to ever be easy or normal, No
    Is Aylah worth it, YES.
     

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    Last edited: 28th Nov, 2018
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  5. Gockie

    Gockie Problem solver Premium Member

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    I'm glad you are going for full custody, for Aylah's sake.
     
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  6. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    The first signs of teenager attitude are already showing !
    You can almost see her thinking "I've got you right where I want you" !
    20181028_082145.jpg
     
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  7. Westminster

    Westminster Tigress at Tiger Developments Business Member

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    Well, firstly I'm glad that the father's desire to go for full custody and you guys down to every second weekend didn't happen. Phew!
    Here's to the matter being settled in 2019 and you guys getting full custody so Aylah can get the best start in life.
     
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  8. Kassy

    Kassy Well-Known Member

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    Hear! Hear! Good luck!
     
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  9. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    For anyone ever in this situation feel free to PM me.
    You have more rights than you know !
    We were very slowly fed information, had many things been disclosed early on our decisions would have been vastly different.
    The legal bill can easily exceed $100k (and more) taking years.

    I actually wanted to update various PC members that have followed and encouraged us here @Westminster @Gockie @Kassy @Marg4000 and others, thanks

    Still in court, still week about sharing custody with the daddy (supervised by his parents) final hearing due next financial year...

    We are glad we have remained so involved, helping to teach, educate and with Aylah's development and personality, she is always so happy, now 19 months old she has met most of her targets from being premmie (with the exception of speech).
    She is in the upper percentages in her physical growth :rolleyes: she is big and heavy o_O
    20190413_201015.jpg
    The answer is still the same, yes I would do it all again :cool::D;):)
    (It is a bit like doing a reno or development, you learn so much the first time from the often expensive mistakes made :oops: )
    TIA
     
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  10. Westminster

    Westminster Tigress at Tiger Developments Business Member

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    I'm glad that Aylah is doing well as that is what it's all about isn't it. Kudos to you and your wife for sticking with it for her sake and being the constant in her life.
     
  11. Marg4000

    Marg4000 Well-Known Member

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    Pleased you are working through the legalities.
    Allahabad is a lucky little girl to have you.
    Marg
     
  12. Lizzie

    Lizzie Well-Known Member

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    Just stumbled on this thread and so happy you decided to keep the little one.

    Don't be worried about age - my best girlfriend and her husband have guardianship of their three granddaughters, as their daughter is quite badly schizophrenic (functions on medications but off the rails without). They got court appointed custody around 10 years ago

    They are now 75 and 80 - with three teenagers! Doing well and fortunately healthy and financially able. They belong to a "grandparents caring for grandchildren" group and find that really helpful for support and - mainly - advice on legal, government and financial matters.
     
  13. Kassy

    Kassy Well-Known Member

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    She is beautiful! Good luck with the rest of the court case, I hope the final decision goes in your favour! I am glad you can be so involved in her life. Age means nothing to kids, my grandparents were more involved with bringing me up in many ways than my parents. I am on older parent now to a 3year old and would do it again in a heart beat if I could. I often think to myself,”what would nan do in this situation?” So it’s defiantly more about love than age. Keep up the good work! :D
     
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  14. Marg4000

    Marg4000 Well-Known Member

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    #$&*&$ autocorrect!

    Clearly I meant “Aylah is a lucky little girl....”

    Apologies.
    Marg
     
  15. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    Haven't laughed so hard in ages :D
    Thanks ;)
    I knew what you meant, though I did briefly think "you must be spying on us" :p
    We try very hard to not say "Aylah bad" or NO ........
    Like most toddlers she is into everything and is currently in a throw/drop things phase.
    So we practice saying "yucky, ah ahar or uhh ohh" :cool:
    I firmly believe in learning by doing, and regularly get in troublle for it, but am there to stop her from climbing too far or getting to things/places that may cause harm.

    @Kassy thanks for the feed back ;)
    We are very conscious that we are not her actual parents :(
    Aylah calls us Mum and Dad consistently, and we reinforce that it is Grandma or "Grumpa" as I am called :confused:
    We encourage her to identify with her parents and spend time with them (though that has become increasingly hard with her mum sadly, too many positive tests :eek::oops: ).....
     
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  16. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    Well, today was day one (of 3) scheduled in the Federal Circuit Court Sydney
    Lawyers are over rated !

    There were 4 parties to court, the applicant (daddy), the respondent (wanna be mother) the Independent Children's Lawyer, and the second respondent ( Mr's Stoffo).

    All parties had Assistants, Lawyers and Barristers, except Mr's Stoffo as she self represented !

    When the Barristers all go in to "negotiate", Mr's Stoffo also got to go.....
    Best process ever, as she got to see and be involved first hand (not the client being told what the Barrister may see fit to advance/stall the case or their own cause ).....

    The below was not discussed with me prior or shortly after o_O
    Mr's Stoffo chose to give the father the opportunity to be a parent, as he has been drug free and actually turning up, conditional of this continuing (provided he remains drug free for a further 12 months and continues to reside with his parents and their support).

    I get it, the back and forth has been no good for Aylah, and she needs a single permanent home ;) (Sure I'm disappointed that Mr's Stoffo made the decision without me, but I get it, it isn't what we want, it's about Aylah)

    We still get visitation to maintain a relationship, so are not letting go, just hoping Aylah develops and her parents grow up (as both have a long way to go :eek:).

    So to respond to my original question , "would you care/adopt a grandchild again"
    YES, but I have learned some very valuable lessons :rolleyes:
    1, you tend to get emotionally involved and attached very quickly
    2, you have rights, more rights than you will be told
    3, you can't rely on FACS to inform you, or that they will do the right thing
    4, the legal system is confusing (and you will be drip fed, to keep you coming back)
    5, like every course tells you (Google is your friend) so Google lots and learn lots
    6, paying lawyers will cost ($50-200k :confused: )
    7, so many more things I can't think of tonight (PM if you have questions)

    One of the best things we did was to engage really good legal representation for advice and guidence, but also to self represent in court. ....
    This saved us $12-14K per court appearance/day :p

    Thanks for all the input from the posters in this thread
    I hope it may also help someone else in the future.

    It was all about Aylah, and what is best for her
    We are glad we attended the hospital when her parents fell by the wayside (or Aylah would have gone into foster care).
    I/we have some great memories, with many more to come
    Like my shoe last Sunday, yet to be filled :p
    20190707_143542.jpg
    Thanks again all
    Thanks PC
    Stoffo
     
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  17. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    @Stoffo - I didn't realise you were 7'8" - those shoes are enormous (and she's a little cutie)
     
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  18. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    Not like you @Scott No Mates
    No comment on the new door in the background, the SHS (square hollow section post), the mirror ball (or bubble machine slightly above it) let alone those old school slate tiles :eek:
    Thanks pal :D
    (along with all whom have followed this, commented or liked any post in this thread ;))
    :) It has been hard dealing with this, and have often felt like a passenger (being an unrelated party and not a respondent) but am grateful for having PC to share with and gain confidence from the support here :cool:
     
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  19. Westminster

    Westminster Tigress at Tiger Developments Business Member

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    All the best to Aylah. Your role as awesome hands on grandparents will help her flourish and help provide a guiding light in her life. And whilst you probably can/could do it better it is important to recognise that one of her parents wants to care for her and the system will always try and support that. Thankfully he has his parents and you guys as part of his village.
     
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  20. wylie

    wylie Moderator Staff Member

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    Is Aylah's dad living with his parents, and are they happy to take on the job of helping him with his parenting? (Or have I read that wrongly?)

    Are you worried about being pushed into the background. That would be heartbreaking now you've got such a connection. I think what you've done is amazing and this new direction will be as much of a challenge (perhaps more) than the initial decision to take over her care.

    Best wishes to you all. She's a lucky little girl that she has you to watch out for her. So many others fall through the cracks.