Health & Family Would you care/adopt grandchild again?

Discussion in 'Living Room' started by Stoffo, 16th Oct, 2017.

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  1. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    Hey all,
    Posting here due to lack of knowledge and experience.

    Have you had full time care of your grandchild, or even adopted ?
    Would you do it again (if you had that time over)?
    What were the pit falls ?

    Background, SAD story
    My partners daughter (yep, am a step parent) has been nothing but problematic since 12yo, pregnant at 15,16 & 17, we took ber back in yet again to support and ensure she has a safe home for herself and her baby, on the 2 Sept she delivered premature by 11 weeks & 4 days :(
    A little girl :) who is doing quite well, but is still in hospital, and will be for some time :oops:

    Everything started quite well, (like getting a new puppyo_O)it didnt last long
    :confused:
    The new mum turned 18 a few weeks later, she still visits her daughter in hospital, but dropping in for 5 min doesn't cut it :mad:, not only that, she was drinking and smoking (not the legal type) when she was expressing milk for a while, but that was too hard/time consuming:rolleyes:
    The hospital staff have been great, and there has been manditory reporting of various issues.
    So the baby mum looks like losing custody :oops:
    Please dont ask about the baby daddy (that is a longer depressing story)

    So, now we have been dealing with the hospital and community services, before DOCS take the poor little baby girl away...........
    There is talk of US (mid 40s) taking care of her (short, med to long term) but this would also require us to kick out the baby mum :confused:

    We have a meeting tomorrow, and I would like to be better informed prior.
    Thanks
     
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  2. Jess Peletier

    Jess Peletier Mortgage Broker - Australia Wide Business Member

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    Wow what a rough situation, I really feel for you and your partner. I don't have advice but wish you courage and strength to make a very difficult decision.
     
    Last edited: 16th Oct, 2017
  3. Biz

    Biz Well-Known Member

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    I have no idea how I would react in this situation but looking in as a random internet nobody I would be inclined to kick out the animal daughter and take care of the child. Hopefully your step daughter comes to her senses (grows up!) a few years down the track and gets involved.
     
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  4. bob shovel

    bob shovel Well-Known Member

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    @Tim86 may have advice or resources

    What state? NSW DOCS?

    I guess you're never ready to have kids :) and plenty are having their first babies at 40 these days! You are stuck in the middle but if you are in a position to help it may be best for baby and daughter, although likely messy
     
  5. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    Thanks all

    Kind of "mind blowing"
    She appeared to turn things around during the pregnancy too :oops:
    Still early discussions
    We are applying for a carers cert also
    Yeah @bob shovel NSW
     
  6. skater

    skater Capitalist -- www.skatepro.com.au Premium Member

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    That is a hard situation. My gut would be to take in the baby. Sometimes being forced out on their own can do a world of good for a young person....but then again, it could backfire too, and she could end up worse off than she is now.

    If, in a few years, the daughter grows up & gets clean, she can then try & build a relationship with her child.

    What happened with the previous pregnancies?
     
  7. Marg4000

    Marg4000 Well-Known Member

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    Sorry to hear you are in this sad situation.

    But family is family, and you have done more than enough for your step-daughter. A little baby is entirely blameless in this mess, and deserves the best chance of a good life.

    I reckon she would be my priority in doing anything I could to keep her safe.

    But if you do decide to go down this path, aim for full custody so that mum can't just drift in and out and disrupt the child's life whenever she fancies. Should mum get her act together permanently you can revisit custody issues.
    Marg
     
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  8. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    I've seen grandparents older than you do this quite successfully, at least in the years I saw them.

    Their daughter was similar to your step daughter, their son was a cabinet minister. So it wasn't a problem of genes or upbringing.
     
  9. Tim86

    Tim86 Well-Known Member

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    I cant say what you should do without knowing more. From what you shared it sounds like investing your energy into the kids would be better rewarded than investing the energy into the 18yo. But I dont know. The kids sound like the priority.

    Call up Parentline and talk through everything so you get some more informed and helpful direction.
     
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  10. Kassy

    Kassy Well-Known Member

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    I am an older first time mother. I don’t think age comes into it if you are healthy and think you can take care of the baby then go for it! I think you should take on the baby if you can.

    I’m sorry about your step daughter, it must be a heart breaking...
     
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  11. Rolf Latham

    Rolf Latham Inciteful (sic) Staff Member Business Plus Member

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    What others feel wont help here

    What does your heart say ?

    ta
    rolf
     
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  12. splatters

    splatters Well-Known Member

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    Wow that is so difficult. Sorry to hear you are required to make such a hard, life changing decision. My gut would also say to take in the baby, also agree with going for full custody. Many of my friends are only just having their own babies in early 40s so your age is definitely not an issue.
     
  13. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    Thanks
    Never considered making that phone call
     
  14. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    We left things as "her choice", but I did expose her to my friends with children.
    She chose to opt out of the first two.
    When the police returned her after the second termination, we had the stick/rod inserted, she later claimed it broke, but then admitted she had it removed....
     
  15. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    Ive never wanted, or had children of my own.
    Though I have been involved in parenting several, hardest was being supportive during and after burying a teenager.
    This time, taking in the baby will mean alienating the daughter....
    Even though it will be DOCS choice, between a foster family and us, we will never be forgiven.
    We can hope to be "minders", the letting go again is what scares me most
     
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  16. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    Thanks
    Like to think we are younger (fit, healthy and still kick the ice under the fridge )
    Long term, when "A" is 21, I will be 67yo :confused:
    Can I/we still be relevant in her upbringing to that point ?
    (More than financially)
    Will being GRAND/Parents be detrimental to her development
     
  17. Stoffo

    Stoffo Well-Known Member

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    Stressed :confused:
    NOT HALF o_O
    We will likely only get one chance at the best outcome for every party involved here :(
    I might only be the step parent, so when I actually voice an opinion, I am hoping it is beneficial to all parties :)
    (sure, after 26 years of parenting to date (oldest currently), and with our youngest now just 9yo, we deserve some serious holidays, yet both of us want to provide the best possible future for this baby still)
    After talking tonight, we will be offering our support, even if it means starting over again.
    Isnt all this investing and hard work all for the continued benefit of those we love most ?
     
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  18. freyja

    freyja Well-Known Member

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    It's not an easy decision but I admire what you are taking on. I have seen quite a few grandparents take on this role and they are doing an outstanding job. The grandparents are always 'relevant' and certainly not detrimental to the child's development that I have noticed.

    I wish you the best possible outcome!
     
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  19. Otie

    Otie Well-Known Member

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    I would take the baby in. I would imagine your partner would resent you if you didn't. I couldn't imagine any of my children or grandchildren being fostered to another family not knowing if they are safe and loved, when I know I could provide love and care. A baby doesn't stop you from travelling, or doing anything for that matter.
     
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  20. Kinnon

    Kinnon Well-Known Member

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    Whilst my family's situation before I came into this world was vastly different to yours I do consider myself at least partially raised by my grandparents.

    There's that saying that you can't miss what you've never had and if I had the choice I wouldn't change my upbringing either (but I do wonder what it would have been like growing up in a 'normal' family structure). I was surrounded by people who loved me and only wanted what was best and I knew that.

    I'm in my 30's now and think I turned out pretty well. One of my fondest memories is of my Granddad walking me down the aisle.

    I wish you all the best as it seems the road ahead will be tough no matter which way you go.