Why don't we just listen

well done PG. sometimes just asking questions is the best thing becuase it helps people actually define exactly what the problem is. Last week my best friend rang extremely upset about a family situation, I just asked, will that mean more stability in your routine - hmmm, yes I guess so. Will you now have more weekends free due to.... I haven't thought of that but yes.... at the end of 15 mins she had completely rephrased the situation and could see how she could make it work. The situation had not changed, her view point changed and she was able to cope with it more. I did not offer any solutions, just asked questions....

 

You are now a good listener

I am still working on this.

 

Spot on DaveM and Bargain Hunter....unfortunately...we now not only have to give advice with the correct medium but also with sensitivity.

I so over with giving advice like it...I now give it directly if asked...if people don't accept I really don't care. The best part if when someone asks for advice but argues as to why it is not correct..this is gold!

The one thing in common is at the end of the day...you have to be accountable for your destiny. Why ask for advice if one will not take it?

The other pet peeve I have is .....how over sensitive people are....the toughness and resolve people had does not exist as much these day. Even at work..I see people so over sensitive to criticism by senior management. The other thing is that people need to also need to learn resilience...increasingly...I see adults chuck their bat and ball when anything is remotely like criticism...even in jest or humour.

 

@sash, but what if people are actually not asking for advice?

 

Then best not to give it.

However this is forum where property advice is sought...so a different place..

 

Yes agree with you with regards to forum.

I was referring to family and friends.

MTR

 

In therapy, silence can be powerful. And this can apply in interpersonal relationships.

Learning to listen without judgement is difficult - and many simply won't bother to listen and get upset if you don't want their opinions.

Resist your temptation to jump in and instead sit back and just listen.

 

My experience has been that men are pretty bad at this. At least, I am.

It's still a work in progress for me to listen and empathise instead of providing 5 immediate solutions.

 

I’ve done some Org pyic PD type stuff in the past and they make you do an interesting exercise where you have to have a conversation with someone (about a problem they have ect) but you only have about 5 or 6 sentences your allowed to say, Along the lines of "how did you feel about that”, Why do you think that happened.
Moral of the story, most people have the solution to the problems they have but by asking prompting questions it helps them arrive to the conclusion.

 

"don't often give opinions either with friends or my partner, I listen and try to help them define exactly what the problem is - no one needs to be saved, we are all capable of resolving anything with some clarity, knowledge and lots of free psychological space to vent without interruptions or opinions.'

Xenia, I think that's the difference between men and women. Women sometimes just need to let off steam, talk about an issue, have someone empathise. Men hear a problem and think they need to fix it. We don't need to have it fixed all the time. I saw a great Modern Family episode where Phil came home and empathised with his wife instead of trying to find solutions. It was funny and spot on.

 

When you have a society that frowns upon giving constructive criticism for fear it will undermine peoples confidence, or worse encouraging poor performance then the outcome is pretty obvious.... people who can't hold a note expect to win The Voice only to have judgement passed in the most public forum.

The same thing happens in just about every work place.

Regards

Andrew

 

Agree. But you also need to take the good with the bad from a praise vs criticism.

A thick skin does wonders.....

 

But what works the stick or the carrot

 

Both.

 

FWIW - this is the answer... i.e. dont give an opinion (even if its to save their lives) unless asked.. if anything skirt around the problem with a suggestion and leave it at that.. almost like waiving the bait at them.. if there's no bites.. just leave it.. sometimes will mean id have to bury my head in the sand and act dumb

someone else said it right earlier, that as men we are too quick with shooting out 5 different answers to a problem as if the person hadn't already thought of these... (anyone read men are from mars women are from venus?)

add to that, if your day to day job involves you leading & giving your opinion.. this certainly doesnt help with breaking this mentality when outside of work..

 

An interesting article:

The delicate little flowers on today's college campuses

 

Something that really changed me on this front was having twins. It seemed as soon as people found out we had twins, it was open slather to dump their opinions on us - I think it is fairly common when it comes to parenting, but it seems to be massively more so than when our singleton was born.

It changed the way I interact with people. I am very conscious of thinking about if a question I might ask is actually contributing to a discussion, or just satisfying my own curiosity (could be because of all the questions we received by people apparently curious about our sex life). I don't think I did it a lot before, but now I am extremely reluctant to tell people what they "should" do (that word is a killer, my MIL often phrases things along the lines of "you should...") If I am having a discussion, or am directly asked for advice, I deliberately phrase it like "Our experience was this, we tried X, Y, and Z, and found these results with each." I also make sure that my phrasing does not come off as judgmental. In the parenting world it is hard to comment on something without people taking offense or feeling judged!

The simple fact is I am not you, you are not me, our situations are different, there are many paths to a destination. HOWEVER, we can learn from someone else's experience, and hopefully minimise negative impact along the way. You also cannot always solve someone else's problems. Sometimes you have to let people own their problems, and perhaps assist in their journey to solving those problems...

Cheers,
Inertia

 

Good points