Health & Family What happens when someone gets old and can not longer take care of them self?

Discussion in 'Living Room' started by Anthony Brew, 3rd Dec, 2017.

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  1. Anthony Brew

    Anthony Brew Well-Known Member

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    I've been in Asia for a while now, and the normal way things go here is that the kids take care of the parents when they get old. It is extremely unusual for that not to be the case. If you don't have kids, you often end up staying with some family, maybe brother or sister or something.
    It sounds nice but the children don't do it out of choice. Mose parents have kids purely for an investment and the sake of getting 1/3 of their kids salary for the rest of their life and having someone who is told every day by society that you owe your life to your parents - literally - and therefore you feel obligated to do this. I've had chats with middle aged people who told me you need at least 2 kids in case something happens to one. Having kids is an investment - my view of this is that it is creating a servant for yourself the idea does not sit well with me.

    Anyway, can anyone tell me what they have personally seen in Australia, not just what they have heard?
    I know the old folks home is a common theme but I am wondering what people have actually seen of their parents or grandparents or parents/relatives of friends when they get to old to take care of them selves?

    Also if you have thought about it, can you tell me what you expect you will do in that situation?
     
  2. Terry_w

    Terry_w Lawyer, Tax Adviser and Mortgage broker in Sydney Business Member

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    Bit of a generalisation there!

    In Australia one of 3 things happens:
    a) children takes care of the parents
    b) someone else takes care of the parents
    c) they die alone as a result of being unable to take care of themselves.

    One case I read, legal case, was where a son slipped and fell in a bath and killed himself, and the disabled mother died weeks later - being unable to get anyone's attention.
     
  3. datto

    datto Well-Known Member

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    I think when the time approaches we should plan ahead and prepare ourselves for the old age facility.

    I want the place where the nurses wear fish nets and you're allowed to pinch them.
     
  4. kierank

    kierank Well-Known Member

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    When my Mum was in Aged Care earlier this year, I didn’t notice any male nurses were wearing fish nets :D.

    I didn’t feel the need to pinch them :).
     
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  5. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    You’re talking about the Don Burke Old Folks Home?
     
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  6. Beano

    Beano Well-Known Member

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    I asked my 2yrs old many years ago if she would look after me
    She said yes
    When I get old I will play that cassette tape back to her if she has forgotten. :)
     
  7. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    It takes the fun out if you're allowed to pinch them, it feels just as legitimate as buying them. :rolleyes:

    As for Benny Hill's nursing home, I think it has a long waiting list.
     
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  8. Sackie

    Sackie Well-Known Member

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  9. Angel

    Angel Well-Known Member

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    Why were you checking out the male nurses' legs, Kierank?
     
    Last edited: 4th Dec, 2017
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  10. skater

    skater Well-Known Member

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    My parents moved 6 hours away, some twenty something years ago. Dad passed a long time ago now, however Mum is in a Nursing Home. She sits, all by herself, day in, day out, bored out of her brain. She has no friends, only the nurses....who are lovely, but very busy. She doesn't want to move closer because it's too far away & she doesn't know anyone. I say that she doesn't know anyone there either, but she's formed an attachment to some of the nicer nurses.
     
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  11. kierank

    kierank Well-Known Member

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    TBH, my mother checked them out and told me.

    I didn’t think that behaviour was age-appropriate for an 88 year old, especially one’s mother :D.
     
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  12. Xenia

    Xenia Well-Known Member

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    Greek culture
    Look after parents and make them part of the family as much as possible.

    Except kids don’t financially look after parents, at that stage parents look after themselves and leave their estate up to kids to handle.
     
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  13. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    Unless they decided to ski (spend the kids' inheritance) ;)

    OK if they are in good health otherwise it only gets worse when there are medical conditions which require 24/7 health care then a nursing home is necessary.
     
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  14. Hodor

    Hodor Well-Known Member

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    Massive challenges faced in this area. My parents have said they want to stay in their place, happy to have whatever assistance they might need while there, if they can't for any reason then ”take me to Nitschke" was their words.

    Some do thrive in nursing homes, however, too many nursing homes are horrible places and some of the contracts/rules are little short of financial abuse and entrapment. Seems prisoners have better conditions in terms of food and entertainment in some cases.

    Unfortunately no answers to the problem from me.
     
  15. PandS

    PandS Well-Known Member

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    Family above money

    This is still the cases for many Asian even if they don't live in their native country anymore.
    It is a cultural thing go back many hundreds of years when many struggles to house and feed themselves and there is no concept of super or retirement saving, so the best way to beat this

    you have many kids and they grow up, earn a living and help out and they are in their prime when you old and fragile so they can look after you

    Many migrants are doing this in Australia including our family, we don't send out parents to nursing or aged care facility and my parents don't want that either, they prefer to be looked after by their own kids.

    and about the force thing they have to do, it may be so for some, it may not be so for other,
    it depending on how you were brought up, our parents sacrificed a lot for us and we know it,
    they buy second-hand goods so we can wear new clothes, they don't go on holiday so we can have an education, they don't tell you that and they never once complain about cost or money to raise us but we know they are struggling.

    and the migrants' parent they usually look after your kids for you out of love, no childcare usually needed, I do the same for my kids when they have kids.

    so we understand that when their turn comes it is our turn to sacrificed for them
     
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  16. Lizzie

    Lizzie Well-Known Member

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    It's a hard call - my MIL had dementia and type2 diabetes - she was also extremely obese.

    She was paranoid about "being put in a home" so my FIL cared for her - with someone coming in each day to shower her, and someone else spending a half day with her each week to give my FIL some down time. We (being the only family vaguely nearby) would take the kids up up each weekend and I would sit with her while the boys went and did boy stuff - fishing, football etc.

    It was hard work - exhausting - with her constant (dementia driven) demands and inability to do a lot for herself due to her weight to the point the family seriously thought, despite the help, my FIL would die of a heart attack first and we'd have to put aside any plans for our weekends.

    Horrible to say - but fortunately she died of a massive stroke before the situation become completely untenable.
     
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  17. Steven_S

    Steven_S Well-Known Member

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    Some sad stories amongst all of this. For me there is a bit of a reality check in this that i dont want my parents to see out their days in a nursing home although hands may be tied depending on their medical needs at the time - and the obvious dollars needed to keep them out.

    Does make me want to build into my portfolio, an element to cover the costs of home care or something to prevent or delay their potential transition into a nursing home should the need ever arise.

    Has anyone else considered this and willing to share a guestimate of how much you've allowed to cover this? Ball park is fine.
     
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  18. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    Yes they would look after our kids If asked but we wanted kids, they aren't our parent's responsibility (other family members used them for this purpose but not ourselves aa we considered that our parents were much older when we had our kids and it was kinder not to put them through it).

    Sometimes it's a necessary evil, careers, debt, life stage and personal circumstances all vary so it's not always possible to get what you want but get the best that you can afford.
     
  19. Marg4000

    Marg4000 Well-Known Member

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    We kept parents at home for as long as possible. Dementia, frailty and the necessity for 24/7 supervision forced the decision to place in aged care. Without money constraints and with obsessive research, we found very good care for them.

    Excellent aged care is available if you take the time and effort to seek it out. Bright and shiny is all very well, but it is the care and stimulation, both physical and intellectual, that is important.

    And as an ongoing safeguard, we always made our visits at random times so staff had no way of knowing when someone would arrive to visit. We never managed to be anything less than impressed.
    Marg
     
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  20. Chrispy

    Chrispy Well-Known Member

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    My father died at 80 but my mother lived until 98. Once Dad died Mum's dementia gradually became worse. Mum lived in the UK. My two sisters who also live in the UK had to decide what to do. One sister wanted Mum to live with her but it became clear that would not work. Mum was letting herself out at night and wandering in just a coat and slippers even during the winter when it was snowing. It didn't matter how they locked the house Mum would somehow get out. The Police kept finding her and ringing my sister.
    I went over and together we decided to sell our parents house and find the best possible Dementia Home. My two sisters inspected many and chose one that was very expensive. By this stage Mum was 90, so we worked out we had sufficient funds from selling the house to pay until she was 100.
    Mum never accepted living in the Home, it didn't help that she was attacked 4 days after going in there by a male who picked her up and bashed her head against the wall over and over. By the time the staff got to her she was unconscious. She was in Hospital for some time and this left her with a bleed to the brain.
    We insisted that she be moved into another wing and this happened, she was given a huge double room, which meant we could put some of her furniture in with her. The room had windows front and side which was very similar to her own house. So she did settle down a bit but kept asking when she could go home.
    Toward the end she had a massive stroke and I could not fault the care she was given by the staff. I continued to fly over to the UK twice a year, the same as I had done for the previous 43 years!!!! Mum did not know any of us but knew that my middle sister visited her a lot - she went every day!!!
    Mum's life from 90 on was pretty awful but she was well cared for and yes she did pinch the male staff. When she died the staff all told us how cheeky she was with the young male staff :)
     

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