I realized something this week. I have been unconsciously self-sabotaging my own success. I have been making decisions that set me back because that is what I'm most comfortable with. It's been a bit of a reality check, but at the same time I'm relieved to have identified it as I can now work on it. or at the very least factor it into future decisions. Got no idea why I'm wired that way, and it probably doesn't matter. It is what it is, now time to fix it, but it turns out I'm not alone. Not by a long shot. It's a very common behavioral trait that is ironically part of our risk management makeup. Anyway it's so common I bet more than a few of us here have also made this realization. So if that's you, care to share? How did you realize it? How did you turn your thinking around?
Not sure if it's self sabotage, but I try to do as much research as I can before making the jump, and it seems like more often than not things don't workout, whether it be luck or what I don't know. Just means I have to work harder for the things I want, and its taught me alot of patience.
Mainly on smaller things, e.g. I said I'd like to save some money and get lunches prepared, but tend to 'forget' to bring it every now and then. Sometimes the more I said I have to, the more likely I forget or ended up buying additional snacks. Now I just do it as I go. If I get to make my own lunch and bring it, it's a bonus Similar feelings happen when I said I want to win lotto - part of me relieved that I don't win big.
Most people are like that, they want to be comfortable. Success lies outside of your comfort zone... You have to step over the line to get it.
Great introspective investigation @hammer. This happens to everyone on earth I believe, we all self sabotage in some way in different areas, though most don't realise it to ever change the behaviour. The fact that you have managed to pause long enough to interrupt that flow is the biggest first step. Back then for us one of the things we used to self sabotage about was simply not believing we were good enough to do business with certain people. We made many excuses.. not experienced enough, not enough knowledge, too risky.. etc etc so we let some potentially good opportunities get away from us. We realised it when one day we were in a meeting with some big investors and long story short they liked our proposal very much. The same proposal that we were utterly certain they would laugh at and throw out but for some reason we just wanted to give it a shot this time. We realised from then that we needed to believe in ourselves more. We developed an even thicker skin and just went for it. When we started to doubt ourselves about something, we would write down what the best outcome could be, the worst outcome and something in the middle. Then accept all outcomes knowing that that the only unacceptable course of action was not to try. It was definitely a very deliberate and conscious effort we made to change part of the way we use to think. I think after awhile of doing this your brain gets 'rewired' and you naturally start to see things differently, and you become more reasoned in decision making and less emotional.
Self sabotage has much to with issues of deserving. I've linked an old post of mine on Somersoft from some years back. The link is to the entire thread. Text from the opening post copied and pasted below. Deserving....... Deserving I thought I’d mark my one thousandth post here on this great cyber community with a topic that has from time to time caused challenges for me and I dare say that others may also relate to. If it appears a bit left field, bear with me and see if it provides a perspective that may (confront) and hopefully lead to a belief change that may assist some of you on your journey forward; especially those who may feel “stuck”. This is the topic of deserving. This is equally applicable to property investing, wealth creation, as it is to health, relationships or other social pursuits. Some of this will be hard yards for some to entertain, and that’s OK; it’s merely a perspective that has helped me and I am posting, in that, it may assist others with whom it also resonates. I will use the word “we” to include myself and any others for whom this has been a challenge for. In making choices and decisions we sometimes do things that undermine our own success. Sometimes we need to unlearn a belief that we do not deserve better......that’s even hidden from ourselves, otherwise we may fall prey to self-sabotage and behaviours that keep us from achieving. Often this part about “deserving” is difficult for our minds to grasp due to some of the negative/lack conditioning we have received in the past (even if well intended) from parents, teachers, loved ones and of course the mind viruses that are disseminated by the data sphere (media), etc. A lack of feeling of deserving may lead to low self esteem and cause us to do what we know may not be in our best interests, whether this involves unhealthy habits, un-wealthy habits or, behaviours that dis-empower our relationships (both business/investing and with loved ones). Time for questioning: Do you limit your actions to have no more than the success you unknowingly believe you deserve and are comfortable with? Do you stop at a certain level of $uccess, health or happiness and go no further? I know I have. In so doing, I have allowed myself to become unworthy. I was unaware that these beliefs were getting in the way of my actions. This, from a property investing and wealth creation standpoint, led (in my case and, it is well documented elsewhere in the interview section) to a large hiatus in my investing journey.......a decade. I had plenty of excuses, valid reasons (to my mind) and thus was shackled in “golden handcuffs” for a lengthy period of time. Ask yourself this question and whilst you do, think of who you spend major time with; your group/family, work colleagues, etc., and if you are allowing them to hold you back. Would it be OK if you kept making/achieving better decisions/successes one right after the other? Or, would a parade or succession of better decisions and outcomes take you too far down the road to prosperity or happiness..........and thereby detach you from the group/herd? It did for me. I was validating my lack of taking further action because no one in my circle was where I was financially, let alone where I had desired to be. So I was on cruise control for 10 years or so. To paraphrase a metaphor, I was the passenger and, not the pilot........trouble was it was at a lower cruising altitude than I had aspired to. Sometimes, the world we grow up in often encourages us to deny ourselves better......Better than what?........Better than other people?...........Who do you think you are?.......I heard it all, and then some and, repeatedly. The syndrome of harvesting tall poppies was afflicting me until I chose to believe and associate otherwise. Love your family and choose your peers. The point is that it’s not better than others.........we need to “run our own race” and “play our own game.” It is better than what we are doing or achieving for ourselves. We should strive to be better than “we” used to be. There is a saying that “if you’re not evolving, you’re dissolving”. If you’re standing still, by default, you’re going backwards as the world and life passes you by. A tree doesn’t stop growing half-way and declare.....”that’ll do.” It grows as tall as nature intended it to and so we should also be everything that we have dreamed, desired, intended and have the potential to be. We deserve to be the best that we can be for ourselves and then for our loved ones and others we choose to assist, empower and become role models for. We often get the result$ that we unknowingly believe we deserve. IMO the key to success and consistently making better decisions/actions in any endeavour is to consciously choose to believe that we really deserve better and act on that belief. We need to ignore the dream stealers and the nay-sayers. I love these words from Marianne Williamson: ("Our greatest fear" from her book 'A return to love') as spoken by Nelson Mandela in a famous speech. "Children may be afraid of the dark, while the adult is afraid of the light. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Don’t drive or live life with your brakes on (or park like I did). Don’t slow yourself down believing you deserve to merely survive rather than prosper. Don’t accept “half way results” so that others don’t become intimidated. We should never allow the opinions (or lacklustre desires) of others become our realities. Other people will always create our world too small. Beliefs are like a jacket, we can change them at will. If old beliefs don’t serve us, then we can change them. Change happens very quickly (often in an instant)........ it’s deciding to change that takes time..........some of my decisions took a decade. I hope this has offered a different perspective on deserving. It is not intended as advice, merely my opinion and example of what hindered my journey. The distinctions I’ve outlined above have helped me greatly, not just with wealth creation and investing but also with other aspects and challenges in my life. That concludes my millennial rant.
Seriously amazing post, worthy of printing out and framing.... worth reading a few times a year as a reminder
Nice thread I have seen this with a family member and a friend, instead of financially growing they actually continually lose money with each property venture. I don't expect this is the same page/your scenario? As you can imagine this has caused massive stress in their life and it remains a continual pattern, they do not learn from their mistakes. They now have lost most of their assets. Their pattern or programing is simple, they have grandiose ideas, take on too much risk and their homework is flawed because they never ever consider the downside, which is critical when investing. Now I am not sure whether this is called greed, or some sort of addiction but it has ruined their lives and their relationships and its very sad. I personally believe most people don't aim high enough, but risks must be considered, and what is the best/worse case scenario, can I live with this?? MTR
Good to hear this side too. An unfounded belief that 'I will succeed' solely because 'I deserve it' is probably going to end in tears!
I have always said you need to be a positive person to be a successful investor, negative traits will kill you. ie....Greed is not good, ambition is great. Investing 101....lol
No, not me, thank God! But only because I discovered this forum. Otherwise I would have done that for sure...
It's not self sabotage anymore once you become aware of it. It's only sabotage when it's perfectly justified and accepted and you convince yourself that you are happy sabotaging yourself - "nothing to change here, I'm perfect the way I am" ----- I LOVE BEING POOR!
I've had a landlord reject 3 applications on the same property this month. One of them was an ethnic family - the self sabotaging belief - they smell. The next one was 2 young brothers - self sabotaging belief - they will have parties The next one was a single young woman - self sabotaging belief - women need a husband to mow the lawns so application rejected on the basis that the garden will be neglected. All above are based on fear and false premises and costing the landlord $400 per week to hold the belief that women are unable to mow lawn and unable to hire someone to do it even when they choose not to..... Property has been vacant for 4 weeks due to rejecting those applications (otherwise qualified), so it's already cost $1600 to keep stupid, dumb beliefs based on nothing but fear and prejudice. Money lost is quantifiable in property management.
