Relationship: am i being unreasonable?

You know what everyone, I reckon this character is not real. It's the shadow side of one of the brokers who spends a lot of time on the forum. More and more I'm sure of it.

 

Brilliant post Tim - and very true.

In a properly functioning relationship there is no dominant partner. Rather two whole people who want to be together - and each brings their strengths, weaknesses and experience into the relationship ... and each takes their turn in the lead position at different times, and under different circumstances, depending on those traits.

The old saying of "my other half" of "they complete me" is nonsense.

A fulfilling relationship would be when each person supports the other in what really matters to enhance the relationship (not necessarily all the time as healthy "discussion" can be good ), and each person feels they get more from being in the relationship than not.

My first marriage was very disfunctional, which my partner of the time being very "my way or the highway" ... in hindsight I was miserable and insecure turned into a doormat.

In my current marriage, we both know we are there because we want to be and can survive on our own - we do have hiccups and arguments on occasion but that's part of growing together - and we understand what each other needs - like hubby having time on his tractor/in the shed, radio on, in solitude doing his thing and I lunching with with my girlfriends and expending 10,000 words in an afternoon.

I certainly don't want some alpha male ruling the roost and don't hesitate to give hubby a piece of my mind if I don't agree ... but the world would certainly be an emptier place without him.

This "a girl wants a man to tell her what to do" is a load of drivel and only applied to insecure men and 16 year old girls

 

I have a friend who was in a relationship with someone she loved deeply for 5 years. She wanted to get married, he wasn't ready. She gave him an ultimatum and they broke up. A few months later he tried to get back together and he proposed... She said no. Said she didn't want to do if he was feeling pressured.

She's now happily married to someone else.

Gotta do what is right for you, but be prepared to lose her.

 

this reminds of hte movie "Thomas crown affair" the later version,

and the phrase/quote , "you only appreciate things once you lose them" or however it goes

he might have realised how important she was until it was too late, well thats life and partially his fault,

however, double standards apply like often. she basically proposed, he wasnt ready, so she gave ultimatum, but when he does it , and she doesnt want him to do it if he is pressured, so its his wrong doing.....

hence ive told my partner im not interested in getting married, thank god she was the one who brought it up frist and said she didnt want to either......

 

I hope so, I hear a lot of normal women in their 20s and 30s say things that imply this or along these lines, and I think, have things really chagned from the 60s where women werent allowed to have a job or have an opinion?

I find it odd that someone who should be in a neutral and objective position due to their career, has such a firm idea of what they think is a certain way something should be done, especially when the way is quite an old fashioned one (thanks feminists)

so if a couple came in and the women was acting like the alpha male and the woman acting like a cavewoman, would you tell them they are doing it wrong???? I dont believe there is a one size fits all, there are no rights or wrongs in how to skin a cat

 

That's literally the first thing I addressed in my post "Now please note what I'm about to say are generalisations, and there are relationships with completely different dynamics."

And note that this forum doesn't employ me as a counsellor, if it did I wouldn't be putting forward so many personal opinions.

I was making generalisations because I was talking about things generally. Without specific details in a proper back and forth it's impossible to make specific suggestions.

You do however find there are challenges and things to overcome when the dynamics in a relationship shift dramatically from what is generally functional.

People can function in all sorts of different ways. The problems appear when one partner needs the other person to function in a certain way and the other person does not. (Not on the same page).

If people are on the same page, then that's fine.

But what you asked was whether or not you were being unreasonable. The measure of what is and isn't reasonable, is "what is the norm".

What is "normally" or "generally" reasonable. So I have given generalisations.

What is reasonable in your relationship? Maybe something that looks a little different. That's fine. As long as your partner isn't asking for something that is "normally" reasonable and something that she is likely to get from other healthy relationships.

If you're not giving her something that is generally expected, and she wants that... and there are others out there that will generally give that to her... and that thing is important enough to her... then what does that mean for the relationship?

 

And there are rights and wrongs in relationships.

Making your partner feel significant and secure and loved and cared for.

It is never "right" in a relationship to make your partner feel insignificant, unloved, uncared for, or insecure because of something you have deliberately chosen to do.

If you believe there are things that make that "okay" then you don't have your relationship as your priority. And if you don't have your relationship as your priority then "generally" that spells problems for the relationship.

 

For the sake of the rest of us this @Mombius Hibachi chap needs to lock himself in a room and bang his head against the wall a few times

 

you seem to be implying that i am maliciously and intentionally making her feel insignficant
not sure how me wanting a day or two per week alone or just the fact that she or me has a separate home to go home to ends up so extreme

so if a client says to you, im not normal, I express my feelings a bit differently to most people, you will say, "thats not right and normal, you need to behave normally to succeed?"

ahhh let him be, I find him interesting to listen to, although he does go to extremes, I do read a lot of the links he posts and I do see some of there where they come from

 

Well yeah.

You're responsible for her feeling insignificant.

You're telling her you won't give her something that most people would give her.

Unless someone else is forcing you to treat her that way... that's something you're responsible for.

That doesn't need to be malicious to be damaging. It's not like your intention is to hurt her. Your intention is to do other stuff, which just so happens to also hurt her.

In any case whether it's murder or manslaughter, someone just got killed.

So whichever way you slice it, what you are doing is hurting her.

That's on you. You can't blame it on her for being "unreasonable". Because she isn't.

You could perhaps blame it on something else if you aren't feeling like taking responsibility.

There could be lots of things at play. Maybe she has proven herself unaccommodating and untrustworthy in the past and you can't bring yourself to trust her to accommodate your passions within a full-time relationship. If that's the case then maybe she needs to do some work to reassure you that your hobbies and interests won't get discarded, but there will be space for them.

Or maybe it's not her, maybe you've had that experience in the past or you've seen others have that experience and it makes you unsure about going all in.

But I don't know.

And look I fully acknowledge I don't have the full story here. So I'm happy to roll with whatever info you're willing to share. Nothing is written in stone here.

 

If you aren't "normal" that's fine. Do whatever you want.

If you aren't "normal" and that results in other people getting hurt. Then that deserves critical examination.

 

Yeah; spot on A.

I've been married 21 years, been together about 26, and my wife and I work together as a team - and do it my way!!

Juuuuust kidding!

Seriously; the ingredients are pretty simple; lots of interest in the other person's feelings etc, lots of affection, and lots of giving and taking.

Yes; I know you are all surprised that something that warm and fuzzy can come out of my keyboard.

 

Spot on!

I've probably had to be "masculine" about twice since knowing my wife for many years. lol women just don't "need" us blokes to push them this way or that. Believe it or not they can...take...care...of...themselves.

 

I've recently split with my husband after 11 years together. Mainly because we didn't function as a team/family - we never have. We were two individuals living parallel lives, without mutual goals. It wasn't horrible, but there comes a time when you want more.

Neither of you should compromise. I'd get out now.

 

I thought u were a male..had me fooled lol

 

This is where I get the ah ha moment.

 

People only get hurt when t

Damn! Im grateful im not one of your clients!!

Walk into a session and first thibg i get told is. Your feelings dont matter only hers because what she wants is considered normal and its all your fault and your makinf her feelinf insignificant.

I sincerely hope that not all people in your professional like this. If I want that sort of a treatment I'll just go talk to one of her friends when they're hormonal

And if you read it properly i never said is she being unreasonable. The topic title is am "I" being unreasonable

 

Good luck.

All the best.

Bye.

 

TMNT, as you're very well aware, I don't think you're being unreasonable. But then, I don't live in a deep feminine-centric reality where men are expected to sacrifice everything for the benefit of a woman, whilst expecting/asking for nothing in return.

I've already said it and will say it again: Do what is best for you. Always put yourself first. Maintain your frame.