Relationship: am i being unreasonable?

Umm.... that was my point

 

Haven't read everybody's responses yet but I know what you're saying -I don't think it's a gender thing. It's just that she is one step ahead of you in terms of committment and you're freaking out. You might be right - it might be better for all of you if you don't move in together. Or you might be overcome by the fear of her finding out you're a @#%&#3 -or that her kids will see it and turn her against you.
Very complicated and you have made a good point about needing time to yourself and not mixing everything up. Fair enough too.
On the one hand I respect what you say about liking things the way they are. Personally, I think that's what I would say too.
On the other hand, you might be holding yourself back from a really fun and warm gift of life that you haven't experienced yet. The miracle you've been holding out for.
I recommend some counselling for you. It will give you the opportunity to tease out some of your thoughts, feelings and motivations and help you find the space to find the right words to say. In combination take a look at Mars and Venus on a Date.
She could take a look at that too and get herself a copy of The Rules . (Not to be taken too seriously).
Does the 50/50 thing with the kids have to change?
Working a 12hr day without food is nuts and you might need to look at your self-care issues too.
Whatever you do, don't move in unless you really really want to.

 

Honestly it sounds like you are trying to have your cake and eat it.

 

Not if he is going to sleep in the middle of a conversation he isnt.

 

Get out of it! Do fifo make bulk cash and go to overseas monthly n have many gfs.

 

Men vs women - compartmentalisation vs multi-tasking. Apart from missing the daily contact with the kids, I doubt there would be too many men hating your life right now - being able to completely separate work life from daddy life and partner life. Mixed with a bit of man time and it's perfect.

If you find a woman who also enjoys her life like that (there are a few around), you've hit the jackpot. I don't think you've found her though. She wants more, so I think you've got two choices, be with her full time or without her.

 

yeah, I agree with BG on this.
It looks like there is only one of two ways this is going to go.

 

Sorry, no advice for you TMNT. But, you Gockie, need to get a different partner!

 

I don't think we should judge what makes the person most comfortable and happy. I have heard of many couples doing this, having seperate houses and stay together a few nights of the week and they love it. It gives them the balance etc etc. do what makes you happy. You need to explain to her what you just said to us. If you don't explain to her how you feel and why you feel like that, don't expect her to understand and think that you are committed to her. That's the only way to go about it. She will come around to it, all you need is a win/win situation.

Ps. I would kill my partner if he wanted to live in different properties from me

 

I agree in that TNMT needs to explain what he wants/ does not want directly to her. However, I don't think she will 'come around to it'. Of course I could be wrong...just reading the OP post, it did not come across like she wants to compromise and find negotiable agreements on this...I think she wants either one way or the other way.

 

Interesting comments everyone. I appreciate or

Id like to add a few comments.

If you asked me to highlight any negative points about her. I probably couldn't. Shes a great girl.

My comment about not wanting to live with her at this point in time if we didnt have kids isnt a reflection of her. Its me

Im happy if she stayed over at my house every day. I just would feel more comfortsble if we had separate homes to go back to

I dont understand how some people (maybe a female thing) have this set idea that relationships must be a certain way and any other way is a sign of a bad relationship?

I think relationships is full of compromises. Obviously too many compromises is not good..however. if i wanted kids and she didnt. Id rsther have her in my life without kids then give her an ultimatum

 

Why don't you read the posts. There seems to be a balance of males / females telling you to smarten up and the same kind of balance telling you to not go further until you're ready. I still think you need a lot of time just ranting and being heard until you get sick of listening to the claptrap that you constantly sprout. Good luck to both of you!

 

Good response wattle

One of my fears is that its not something that i can undo easily and ruining what good thing we have

My kids are great so i have no doubt they adapt well with them so im not too worried.

We went to overseas for a few weeks together and it was great. So its not a compatibikity issue.

Admittedly over the years ive gotten used to ny freedom. Time spent with friends. Watching tv. Browsing ss/pc. I feel that i would either lose or feel guilt in doing these. Hence my lack of commitment

I guess i fitnthe stereotype of a commitment phobe!

 

On the flip side, if this was a thread written by your g/f and she was seeking advice..

Based on comments you've already made about her wants, I'd say she should get out now.

 

No you don't. You're *already* committed. You just want to have your own place.

 

Yeah id be asking her how important living together is and if its worth letting him go over it. And if its not. Then its an easy decision to make

 

I completely see where your coming from wanting time to yourself. My wife and I have a day off from each other I work 13.5hrs one day and she works 13.5hrs another day. I get to watch my movies/TV shows, eat what want she gets to watch her terrible shows on her day. I'm sure deep down you know what you want to do but maybe you just wanted reassurance? Good luck

 

To me this says you're in a part time relationship - but not committed - as you're not being truthful with each other.

It seems you're not prepared to be open and share who you really are. Sounds like she wants a full time committed relationship and you want a convenient, part time girlfriend on tap.

You need to have an open and frank talk with each other in what you want in a relationship ... and if neither of you are completely happy with the setup (with the odd bump in the road) then there is no point as one will always be dragged down and unfulfilled.

Life is to short - and this situation makes me think of a girl I knew years ago. She was intelligent, okay looking, and in an affair with a married man for 10 years - hanging on because of the length of time and the promise he kept making of "leaving his wife". She was unhappy but stayed in the affair because it was scarier to leave and he "promised" her ...

Be honest with each other - don't string each other along with unspoken expectations that will not be fulfilled or comments like "I might change my mind in 2/5/10 years" if, right now, you don't think so then say that you don't think so.

 

Hey TMNT, here is a song that I think you'll enjoy, for a number of reasons:

1. It's by The Hookers, who have a totally great band name
2. They play awesome, straight ahead, balls to wall, no apologies rock n roll
3. This song sums up perfectly how women I go out with inevitably feel about me after any given amount of time
4. If you play it for your woman and she doesn't love it, she's not right for you
5. If you end up single, you can go to the pub and drink beers and look at girls

 

Many years ago, I had a student I was teaching golf to who was several years older than me; me about 21, he was about 40.

During our lessons I got to know him well, and he opened up to me about his life a fair bit.

He was very open about the fact that he went to prostitutes every other week..his reason was; he finally realised he could not commit to a relationship for the long term, and rather than hurt someone else, opted to go down that path.

 

http://www.news.com.au/world/asia/c...ce-from-his-wife/story-fnh81fz8-1227531524506

ok i actually looked at my groin area after reading this !!!!!!!

and for the record, we sat down and had a chat and I explained my stance, and although it was not a clear cut resolution, basically, we agreed that she wont pressure me into moving in together unless things change BUT she will assess and decide whether if its 'worth' it for her

which is fine with me