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Relationship: am i being unreasonable?

Discussion in 'Living Room' started by TMNT, 14th Sep, 2015.

  1. TMNT

    TMNT Well-Known Member

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    Ok dr phil type situation here

    Ill keep it short

    Have been seeing a lovely lady for 2 years now. Very special to me
    Me divorced with 3 kids.
    She divorced with 2 kids

    We live separate. We both have roughly 50% custody of kids.

    Can see myself being with her long term.

    Recently she has started talking about moving in together. All 7 of us get along very well.

    To be honest i dont want to. Its nothing to do with her or her kids. I currently enjoy my 50% time on and off with kids. I have always been a person that enjoys my own time as well whether it be with a girlfriend or be totally alone. Moreso now at this stage of my life.

    Life is currently simple, functional, relaxed and satisfying and awesome. I divide my days in thinking about my kids, her, property, my job and my fitness

    Im now receiving comments such as "i m not going to waste my time if im not going to get what i want/need" and "that is the point of a relationship " and "if you cant show commitment, then its not going to work". Mind you these are not aggressive or passive aggressive comments.

    If i am given an ultimatum, she wont like my instant response

    Its times like these when i always ask myself why cant women compromise? Or why cant they be happy with what they have? Or there is no one size fits all approach

    /sigh

    Ps. Not a woman bashing thread
     
  2. rhinsor

    rhinsor Well-Known Member

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    Do what you think is best for yourself and your kids.

    Sit down and explain to her why you don't want to move in together be it short or long term.

    Lots of people have an ideal scenario in their head and won't compromise on it.
     
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  3. Magnet

    Magnet Well-Known Member

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    I think you sound like a smart guy. Moving in together is one of those situations that could really change the dynamic for everyone. No fights over money or housework in your current scenario. Is it marriage that is really the issue for her and moving in is one step closer to that?
     
  4. Bayview

    Bayview Well-Known Member

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    After 2 years, and juggling visitations and different kid personality clashes etc; you would probably know whether you could live together happily or not.

    Ask your kids what they think about it as well; it is going to affect them too.
     
  5. wylie

    wylie Moderator Staff Member

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    I don't think you are being unreasonable. My first thought is to show her what you wrote. I don't think it has anything to do with "why can't women compromise". This is just one particular woman. Maybe ask her is she happy with things as they are, knowing you are not looking elsewhere but are happy with the status quo. Then it is up to her.

    It may better to lose her if she cannot accept the status quo than move too soon to a different level that you don't want or are not ready for. Doing that may sour things and you lose each other anyway, plus drag 5 kids through another emotional roller coaster. It may come down to her decision - accept you are not ready now and may never want another live-in or she moves on.

    Perhaps she doesn't understand you are happy now "as is" and your reluctance to change what works well for you has nothing to do with "her" particularly but there are way more things to consider than just moving in together because that suits her. How would you feel if she looks for someone else prepared to make a commitment?
     
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  6. Nemo

    Nemo Well-Known Member

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    I can see where she is coming from. She ultimately wants that commitment of living together like a normal family.

    If after two years you are not ready she is wondering if you ever will be, and if not, maybe it's time to move on.

    Sounds like it's now or never.
     
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  7. Biz

    Biz Well-Known Member

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    I think you should do what is right for you but what is right for you is unreasonable in terms of having a long term adult relationship. If you were still 19 years old it may work!
     
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  8. Davothegreat

    Davothegreat Well-Known Member

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    Would you feel different about the scenario of having her move in if she didn't have her own kids? You'd still have kid-free time as per the current arrangement but could have more time with just her or "me" time if you so choose without having to worry about someone else's kids... ?
     
  9. Lizzie

    Lizzie Well-Known Member

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    Explain to her how you feel and why - without any accusing or blaming (either yourself or her).

    Hubby and I are both previously divorced - fortunately I had no kids, which made things easier. He had three kids in primary and his ex made my life (ahem) rather stressful for the following 10 years ... but I digress.

    We dated only for around 3 months before I moved it, but I was practically living there anyhow. All that needed to change was to bring my cat over and sell my house. However, a few things did occur along the way.

    After we started dating I asked if he could remove the wedding photo of him and his wife from the lounge room wall ... he was just so used to it being there it didn't even see it and did so immediately but, to me, if he had refused then I knew he wasn't ready to move on.

    Then after a year (I was divorced by then) he was still married with no divorce process in play. I did give him an ultimatum on that one ... "if you want to stay married to her, then fine, but I'm out of here" ... again because if would've been a sign that he wasn't ready to move on. Again he was so used to the status quo it hadn't crossed his mind - and he doesn't like conflict and knew there would be a massive dummy spit if he instigated divorce (and - yes there was).

    The after another six months I started the "marriage hint" (nearly two years together by now) - but that was more a commitment thing in my eyes rather than marriage itself.

    He really rebelled at the hints and it became quite an issue between us, until he finally said that he "been pushed into his first marriage and he wasn't going to be pushed again" ... then the story came out - with his ex they'd been dating since mid-teens and everyone, including both sets of parents, expected them to get married - he didn't want to marry her, and actually wanted to break up, but felt obliged to.

    So - long story short - as soon as he said that, I totally understood and never bought marriage up again ... one night - drunk as skunks at the Sydney Rocks - he leaned over the table and said "how about we get married." One month later the deed was done. Heading for 16 years married now - 19 years together - but it had to be when we were both ready, not just me.

    I'm really glad he explained why to me, instead of just dodging the hints (and making me annoyed), otherwise we wouldn't be together today.

    So - talk to her - let her know how you feel and why - but also listen to how she feels and why and in some ways you may need to compromise too. I suspect for her it is a insecurity thing ... if you wanted to be with her then you'd want to "be with her". I suspect for you, as a bloke, it's "things are fine so why change them."
     
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  10. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    An old work colleague was in a similar situation as Lizzie except she hadn't divorced (no kids on her side but several adult kids from new partner).

    She then had to run around getting the paperwork stamped so she could remarry.

    (Some of her husband's kids are ********s - hadn't seen him for 40 yrs but tried to change his will on his death bed & cleaned out bank accounts ).
     
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  11. Kinnon Bell

    Kinnon Bell Finance Broker

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    You're saying that she (or women) are not willing to compromise but nor are you. You're saying my way or the highway. So expecting her to do something which you're not willing to do.

    Have a chat with her about the way you're feeling and I'm sure she'll let you know her thoughts too and either find a way to make it work where you're both happy or part ways.
     
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  12. TMNT

    TMNT Well-Known Member

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    Thanks everyone great answers

    Hypothetically even if we both didbt have kids. I still probably wouldnt want to move in.

    Once again its not about how i feel about her but its a little bit of feeling a bit smothered and wantinf my own space

    In a perfect world (obviously not going to happen) i would like a 5 day on 2 day off type setup
     
  13. TMNT

    TMNT Well-Known Member

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    Yes it may appear like that. However im willing to compromise. We both compromise on other things. But what frustrates me is that if i wanted her to move in and she didnt then id compromise. Id rather have her in my life with a compromise then nothing at all. But the reverse wont.
     
  14. The Y-man

    The Y-man Moderator Staff Member

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    @TMNT

    Do not let her get you blind drunk if you are not sure about proceeding!! :D

    The Y-man
     
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  15. TMNT

    TMNT Well-Known Member

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    or should I just avoid Sydney Rocks!!! ;)

    ps Ive always wondered is it a genetic thing that women generally are the ones that seek/crave commitment, while its the men that are commitment-phobes
     
  16. D.T.

    D.T. Adelaide Property Manager Business Member

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    That's not really what relationships are about.
     
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  17. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    I'm surprised that you think you could last 5 days on and only need 2 days off ;)
     
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  18. Ed Barton

    Ed Barton Well-Known Member

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    That's your idea of a relationship. One size doesn't fit all!
     
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  19. TMNT

    TMNT Well-Known Member

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    Exactly. A lot of women dont seem to understabd that. Too much of a good thing isnt good for me.

    Like holidays. ....id hate to live in paradise
     
  20. MTR

    MTR Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    So you feel smothered, and I think she feels rejected.

    Unfortunately if there is not some sort of compromise on both sides it may be hard to move forward.
     
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