Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Living Room' started by HD_ACE, 18th Jun, 2015.

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  1. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    I need to get out more often - my daughter taught me a new word today 'wenis'.

    After some soul searching, we retaliated with 'wagina'.

    Both real words.... I promise.
     
  2. ellejay

    ellejay Well-Known Member

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    I don't get it :) Is it like 'meet the fockers' but in this case meet the farkens? o_O You're gonna have to work harder than that to get a giggle out of me :p
     
  3. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    The whole Farken family :rolleyes:
     
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  4. ellejay

    ellejay Well-Known Member

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    Could be the worst joke in this whole thread that one :rolleyes::p
     
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  5. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    @ellejay - Unfortunately I was reading the funeral notices when I came across it.
     
  6. ellejay

    ellejay Well-Known Member

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    As you do :oops:
     
  7. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    Just need to check if I'm listed.
     
  8. Purple Patch

    Purple Patch Well-Known Member

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    During his visit to London, Donald Trump met with Queen Elizabeth.
    He asked, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
    "Well,"
    replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
    Donald frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
    The Queen took a sip of tea and said, "Oh, that's easy Donald. You just ask them to answer a riddle."
    Seeing the puzzled look on Donald’s face, the Queen said, “Let me demonstrate it for you.”
    The Queen pushed a button on her intercom and said, "Please send Theresa May in here."
    Theresa walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"
    The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
    Theresa answered, "That would be me."
    "Yes! Very good,"
    said the Queen.
    Donald returned to the White House and asked Mike Pence the same question. "Mike, I want you to answer this riddle. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
    "I'm not sure,"
    said Mike. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.
    The next evening Mike and his wife were dining at a fancy restaurant when he notice Sarah Palin.
    Mike walked over to her table and asked, “Sarah, can you answer a riddle for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
    Sarah answered, "That's easy, it's me!"
    Mike smiled and said, "Thanks!"
    After dinner Mike returned to the White House and met with Donald. Mike said, “I did some research and I found the answer to the riddle.”
    Donald said, “Fantastic. So, what is the answer?”
    Mike replied, “It's Sarah Palin!"
    Donald yelled, “No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

    . . . and that, my friends, is what is going on at the White House.
     
  9. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    Who is Ben Dover's girlfriend?

    upload_2017-5-16_23-42-27.png


    Natashia Toes

    upload_2017-5-16_23-46-13.png


    (Pretty sad I know)
     
  10. Kangabanga

    Kangabanga Well-Known Member

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    saw the pic of ben dover and immediately thought , that's a guy with his head up his ass!
     
  11. Zoolander

    Zoolander Well-Known Member

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    I was at McDonalds in Auburn NSW the other day, a predominantly middle eastern suburb.

    Me: "The burkas are better at Hungry Jacks"
    Got kicked out
     
  12. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    Geez @Zoolander. Either I have been out of Sydney for too long or you need to buy a new map.

    When was Auburn in the middle of the Eastern Suburbs? ;)
     
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  13. Ted Varrick

    Ted Varrick Well-Known Member

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    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid
    her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
    the bird's chest.

    After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm
    sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

    The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
    "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

    "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
    testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
    something."

    The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
    few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
    looked onin amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
    paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
    He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

    The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
    minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
    also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on
    its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

    The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
    most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
    bill, which he handed to the woman..

    The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,
    "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

    The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
    bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's
    now $150."
     
  14. turk

    turk Well-Known Member

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    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
    asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
    from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
    The florist was pleased and left the shop.
    When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
    'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

    the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
    community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
    The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
    you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
    Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
    pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
    you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
    was very happy and left the shop.
    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
    Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
    the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
     
  15. Gockie

    Gockie Life is good ☺️ Premium Member

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    So you are saying cops aren't dodgy?
     
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  16. turk

    turk Well-Known Member

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    What makes you think he paid for the donuts:p:D
     
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  17. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    I was once at an embassy do. We had lined up for 20 minutes for our food, when some guy came up and immediately jumped the queue so as to get served immediately, without even an apology.

    I found out later that he was the acting deputy PM.
     
  18. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    So not a real Polly but still on the gravy train?
     
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  19. turk

    turk Well-Known Member

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    A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

    "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

    "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

    "Love dress? But you're naked!"

    "Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

    The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

    Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

    "What are you doing?" he asked.

    "This is my love dress," she replied.

    "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
     
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  20. Angel

    Angel Well-Known Member

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    Dogfood.
     
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