Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of
our book club at the Men's Shed. One of our senior members,

Ted Roberts, who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work
"Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion.

He said his wife thought that we should read a book called
"Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it.

Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house. The chaps
were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to
their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities.

At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full
house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel.


Here are their experiences:

Bill Carruthers, 74

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden
was the only place for a good shed.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------
Nick Enwright, 86

She stood before me, trembling in my shed
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever
you want with me.” So I took her to Bunnings.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------------
Ted Roberts, 79

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------
Tom Entwhistle, 73

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy
all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into
the shed, though.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---
Jack Farthing, 78

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----
John Hardcastle, 72

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said,
biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
Colin Horrocks, 65

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------
Malcolm Riddock, 75

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the
shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had
come up a treat.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----
Allen Cardly, 74

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt
as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Nicholas Benchley, 53

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked.
“When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture for sale on eBay.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Toby Williams, 60

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

 

If you don't see the dentist then you probably need an optometrist.

 

What happened to the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.



There is a fine line between fishing and just standing at the water's edge like an idiot.

 

LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?
A lexophile of course!

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

 

An older white haired man walked into a jewellery shop one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend
.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5000 ring.

The old man said, "no I would like to see something very special".

With that the jeweller went to his special stock and brought out another ring, "here's a stunning ring at only $40,000". The young ladies eyes sparkled and her body trembled with excitement.

The old man on seeing this said, "we will take it, I will pay you by cheque today and pick up the ring on Monday when the cheque has cleared".

Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man and said, "there is no money in the account".

"I know" said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!!".

 

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a bedraggled man.
I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were
washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet,
and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA
on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage. I
was living the dream" he sighed heavily. "It slips away so quickly."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened, Drugs, Alcohol,
Divorce, Market crash, Death in the family?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."

 

A lady was nearing completion of her newly built house.
During her last inspection she asked the builder if he would be happy to paint the inside of house since she was very impressed with the workmanship of the build.

He agreed and she started showing him what colour she would like each room.

They went to the first room, she said " I think this will be my room so would like a light shade of pink". The builder looks out the window to the garden, goes to the front door and yells out "green side up"

He comes back and they go to the second bedroom
She says " I think this will be my sons room so would like a nice shade of blue".
The builder looks out the window to the garden, goes to the front door and yells out "green side up"!

He meets her in the third bedroom where she says
" I think this will be the guest room so would like it grey". The builder looks out the window to the garden, goes to the front door and yells out "green side up"!

When the builder comes back, the lady says sorry but I have to ask about the whole "green side up"! Thing.

The builder says,

Yea, sorry about that but I have a couple of aussies out there trying to lay the new lawn.

 

Donald Trump (President in Waiting) invited the Pope for a private conference on his yacht.

They were discussing how the US could work closer with the Church on several fronts when a gust of wind blew the Pontiff's cap into the ocean.

Without a thought for his own life, Trump jumps overboard and walks on the water to pick up the cap.

The next day all of the newspapers have a similar headline: "Trump can't swim".

 

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are they for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"****** Hell", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything !

 

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its bottom.

"Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets angry with you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

 

Two female teachers took a group of students from Grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse in Melbourne. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?'

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Hartnell in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.'

 

Snail with an attitude
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

A genie and an idiot
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

MORE: Newborn baby is abandoned in a church nativity scene

True love lasts forever
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Off to work
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?’

Ooo Heaven is a place on earth
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’ ‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’ ‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

The Devil’s in the details
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’ Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

Kid vs barber
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

You’re one in a million
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.


Read more: The ten funniest jokes ever (according to science)

 

The Pope and Donald Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

I told my mother in law that I was going to buy a motorcycle. She told me her brother died in a motorcycle accident... so I could just have his old bike.

 

Ok... The last two jokes were bad......




But funny.