Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Property Manager: That's great, I'll take two.

 

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

 

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in Australia and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with
a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I start the unending rain
in Queensland first for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I've started the rain in Queensland!
Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed Planning Permission, a Building Permit, a Builder's Licence, Insurance, consent from my neighbours, a kerbside deposit, Site Survey, Engineering, Energy Efficiency Compliance Certificates, Fire Certification,
and a full set of signed off working drawings."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for an on-board sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I'll violate the
neighbourhood zoning and Bye-Laws by building the Ark in my
backyard, and exceed the height limitations. We had to
wait five months for a Council Planning Committee decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded
a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage
for the Ark's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us,
but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Mopoke."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to
save the Mopokes - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in
a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study
on your proposed flood."

" I was stopped by unions and the Building Commission
for not using Registered painters, plumbers, and Electricians.
Stopped again by Health and Safety because they wanted more scaffolding,
Ladders, harnesses, ramps and Hi-vis clothing. All my tools had to
be tested and tagged by electricians too!
Then the local council demanded we provide Disabled Toilets, signs in Braille, widen passages and install ramps everywhere.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from The Human Rights Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building gang."

"Everything then stopped when Immigration started checking
The Visa status of most of the people who wanted to work."

"The trades unions even said I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Australian Taxation Office
seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave
the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark."



Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."


Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy us?"

"No," said the Lord.
"The Australian Government beat me to it."

 

The proper way to call someone a *******:

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation and, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.

 

As I was getting in bed, she said, "You’re drunk".


I said, "And How do you know?"

She said, "You live next door.”

 

If Trump does in fact win the presidential airplane will have to be renamed Hair Force One....

 

What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged"

 

Hard to believe but……


A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device.


The penis has now slipped to second spot.

 

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

 

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

What do women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Don't drink while driving – you will spill the beer.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.

Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically

 

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

 

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security
application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

 

I know a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray... he's now a seasoned veteran.

 

Funny video of a wedding where the guy forgot the ring.

 

No Nativity scene in Canberra this year ......
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation's Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra . . .
The search for a Virgin continues . . . .
However, there was no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stable