Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

A ship engine failed and no one could fix it.
Then they brought in a chap with 40 yrs. on the job.
He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer.
He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life.
The engine was fixed!
7 Days later the owners got his bill for 10k.
'What?!' the owners said
'You hardly did anything.
Send us an itemized bill.
” the reply simply said Tapping with a hammer. $2
Knowing where to tap?
$9,998
Don't Ever Underestimate Experience.

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ****ing fault!!!

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

 

What exactly is the 'extreme sex education' some conservatives are protesting?

Extreme sex is dangerous

 

Three engineers are sitting around a table at lunch, discussing God.

The first engineer says, "I think God must be a mechanical engineer" and proceeds to explain in depth how only a mechanical engineer could've built the muscle and skeletal system to work so beautifully together.

The second engineer says "No, my guess is that he's an electrical engineer" and proceeds to describe how only an electrical engineer could run an entire body off of such a small amount of power, for such a complex system.

The third engineer says "Nope, God must be a civil engineer!" prompting stunned silence from the other two.

"A civil engineer?!" says one after a long pause, "What makes you say THAT?".

The third engineer thinks for a minute and explains "Well, only a civil engineer would run a waste pipe through a recreational area!".

 

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops'
and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, "Good day Madam. How may we help you today?"

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, "What is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price!"

 

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. *
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." *
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." *
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs,
don't use body lotion for a couple of days." *
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." *
The pharmacist said, "Well, in that case, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”

“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”

“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the barman.

“The circus?” repeats the duck.

“That’s right,” replies the barman.

“The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big TENT?”

“Yeah,” the barman replies.

“With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?” says the duck.

“Of course,” the barman replies.

“And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.

“That’s right!” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ..

“What the **** would they want with a plasterer??

 

Hyock hyock.

 

I must be undercharging.

 

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.
"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.
"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

 

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Boom Boom

 

The Scottish Dart Team

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if
she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have
a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the
fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she
said. The girl agreed then to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that
the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when
he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you
go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.. I'll leave
a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there.
Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed
the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department . The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see ?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often
enough." "I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

 

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.
My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great.
Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more
if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.
And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby,
I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country.
Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me,
"Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job,
and God was certainly not mad at him,

An elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grand-son and said,
"I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grand-son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman
whose remark had started this whole thing),
"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.
A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something
I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed
it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,
"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your arse you grouchy old *****! "

 

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...brilliant


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

 

That reminds me of this one: linky

 

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
This is a strictly ...... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100% ?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98%

And

K -N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the ******** and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!