Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 

Top tier dad jokes! ☝️

 

Two cannibals sat down and started eating a clown. One cannibal turned to the other and said “ this tastes funny”.

 

How much does a roof cost?


Nothing......it's on the house.

Sorry, starting the day off with a bit of humour.

 

Due to extenuating brain affected circumstances - you may be excused ...

 

I LOLed! Quality.

 

Took me a while, the lights were on but no-one was home.

 

Sounds like me in my Covid induced addled mind today.

 

If anyone received a message from me about canned meat, please don't open it.

It's spam.

 

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS

• Percussive Maintenance - I hit it then it worked
• Cycle Power to the panel - turn it off and on again
• High impedance air gap - I forgot to plug it in
• Organically earthed - I got electrocuted
• Thermally reconfigured - it melted
• Kinetic disassembly - it blew up
• Thermal shock - it caught on fire
• Audibly affected - it went "bang"

 

Paddy and Seamus had missed the last bus and were walking home at midnight, when they passed the bus depot. A window was open so Paddy hopped in to steal a bus. After much banging and crashing Paddy came back out through the window.

"We're out of luck, Seamus, there wasn't a number 153 in there"

"Bloody Idiot Paddy you could have nicked a number 180 and we could have walked from the roundabout....."

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Bill Gates' little boy was coming up to his seventh birthday. Bill took him to one side and said "Son, I'm the richest man in the world and I can buy you anything you want. Have a think about it, and tomorrow you can tell me what you want for your birthday"

Touchingly, all the little boy wanted was a cowboy outfit.

So Bill bought him the Queensland Government.

 

I know, it is April Fool's day:

Sydney, Melbourne house prices drop as buyer demand dwindles

 

Reminder...the chances of the Moskva getting towed by a Ukrainian in his John Deere are low, but never zero(pinched from facebook)

 

Just read this:

Neil Diamond has put his gold plated Volvo on E Bay.

' Swede Car Online'

______________________


What do you call a pig with laryngitis?



Disgruntled.

 

Used Furniture

Geez, I simply don't get people today.

I responded to an advertisement on marketplace and they said that they'd meet me at the pub.

So I lugged the old bedroom furniture to the pub and started having a chat with the person at the bar. After several drinks, we were getting on like a house on fire, so I asked them if they wanted to check out my furniture in the panel van.

Apparently, that's not the night stand that they were after.