Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Living Room' started by HD_ACE, 18th Jun, 2015.

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  1. Redwing

    Redwing Well-Known Member

    9th Jun, 2006
    Tom decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

    His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

    "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat and even your golf clubs".

    Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

    She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

    "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

    "Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

    "I wasn't "
    Sackie, luckyone and New2prop like this.
  2. Brian84

    Brian84 Well-Known Member

    18th Jun, 2015
    I hate it when people ask me what I will be doing in 5 years time. Seriously I don't have 2020 vision.
    luckyone, New2prop, EN710 and 2 others like this.
  3. moyjos

    moyjos Well-Known Member

    18th Jun, 2015
    Sunshine Coast
    Beware .... The danger is real :) image.jpg
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  4. Rixter

    Rixter Well-Known Member

    30th Dec, 2005
    Portfolio Perth Brisbane Sydney Melbourne
    The following article from an industry newsletter . Thought I would share a giggle with you - Enjoy!


    Have your sense of humour ready for these they are not meant to offend, of course!

    1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.

    2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

    3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

    4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

    5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

    7. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

    8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

    9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

    10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    11. 50% of the wall are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50 % are just plain filthy.

    12. I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.

    13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

    14. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

    15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

    17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

    18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

    19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

    20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still I have no satisfaction.

    21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get The ABC.
    TadhgMor, New2prop, MTR and 3 others like this.
  5. Phantom

    Phantom Well-Known Member Premium Member

    24th Jun, 2015
    This man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He askes the bartender why is there a donkey in here. The bartender says if you can make this donkey laugh I will give you ten thousand dollars. So the man whispers in the donkey's ear and the donkey started laughing. Then the bartender said if you can make the donkey cry I will give you ten thousand more dollars. So the man turns to an angle where only the donkey can see and the donkey started crying. The bartender couldn't believe it so he asked the man how did you make the donkey laugh then make the donkey cry? He said first I told the donkey my penis was bigger than his, then I showed him.
    Last edited by a moderator: 31st Oct, 2015
    Sackie and luckyone like this.
  6. Perthguy

    Perthguy Well-Known Member

    23rd Jun, 2015
  7. moyjos

    moyjos Well-Known Member

    18th Jun, 2015
    Sunshine Coast
    Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

    Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

    Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

    So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath
  8. Terry_w

    Terry_w Lawyer, Tax Adviser and Mortgage broker Business Plus Member

    9th Jun, 2006
    Australia wide
    An old man and an old woman go into see a doctor. They say we want you to watch us have sex because we are not sure if we are doing it correctly.

    the Dr thought it was a bit strange, but said ok go ahead.

    They had sex and the Doctor said nothing seemed to be wrong.

    They came in the next week and did the same thing.

    The 3rd week they came in again and the Dr asked them what the hell was going on.

    The man said "well I live with my son so we cannot do it at his place and she is married so we can't do it at her place. Going to a hotel would cost about $100 at least, but if we come here we can do it for free because of Medicare".
  9. Gockie

    Gockie Unicyclist Premium Member

    18th Jun, 2015
    Ouga, MTR, SerenityNow and 2 others like this.
  10. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

    15th Aug, 2005
    David Attenborough's latest and greatest documentary

    joanmc and Phantom like this.
  11. Gockie

    Gockie Unicyclist Premium Member

    18th Jun, 2015
    Some people are worried about muslims integrating, but after a couple of calculus lessons most of them are ok.
    New2prop and SerenityNow like this.
  12. HD_ACE

    HD_ACE Game-Changer

    18th Jun, 2015
    Only In Australia
    August 31
    Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
    Now this is a town that knows how to live!
    Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
    I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
    It was beautiful.
    I've finally found my new home.
    I love it here.
    September 13
    Really heating up now.
    It got to 31 today.
    No problem though.
    Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
    What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
    I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!
    September 30
    Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
    Lots of palms and rocks.
    No more mowing lawns for me!
    Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
    It's Paradise !
    October 10
    The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
    How do people get used to this kind of heat?
    At least today it's windy though.
    Keeps the flies off a bit.
    Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.
    October 15
    Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
    Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
    Missed three days off work.
    What a dumb thing to do..
    Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
    October 20
    - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
    By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
    The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat ****.
    I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
    October 25
    - This wind is a *******.
    It feels like a giant ****ing blow dryer.
    And it's hot as hell!
    The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from ****ing Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.
    October 30
    - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the ****ing air conditioner.
    House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
    Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
    Why the hell did I ever come here?
    November 4
    Finally got the ****ing air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
    Stupid repairman.
    ****ing thief.
    November 8
    - If one more smart ******* says 'Hot enough for you today?'
    I'm going to ****ing throttle him.
    ****ing heat!
    By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my ****ing clothes are soaking ****ing wet and I smell like baked cat.
    ****ing place is the end of the Earth.
    November 9
    - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
    I thought my ****ing arse was on fire.
    I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my ****ing arse.
    Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
    ****. ****. ****.
    November 10
    -- The Weather report might as well be a ****ing recording..
    Hot and sunny.
    Hot and sunny, Hot and ****ing sunny.
    It never ****ing changes!
    It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ****ing months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
    November 15
    - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****ing place?
    Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the ****ing pool.
    The only things that thrive in this ****ing hell-hole are the ****ing flies.
    You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little *******s!
    November 20
    - Welcome to HELL!
    It got to 45 ****in' degrees today.
    Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
    The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
    I wanted to shove the ****ing car up his ****ing arse.
    Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
    ****ing Karratha!
    What kind of sick, demented ****ing idiot would want to live here!
    December 1
    - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
    You are ****ing kidding me!
    luckyone, TadhgMor, New2prop and 3 others like this.
  13. HD_ACE

    HD_ACE Game-Changer

    18th Jun, 2015
    Here is the antidote , riffing on the theme

    December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again! What a perfect life.

    December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man - I'm glad he's our neighbor.

    December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

    December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

    December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

    December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

    December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of stupid snow last night. More shoveling. Took all day. That stupid snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

    December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the restroom. By the time I got undressed, went and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

    December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

    December 24: 6" today. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the jerk who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at about 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that stupid snowplow.

    December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the [email protected]@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

    December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

    December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

    December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THAT WOMAN is driving me crazy!!!!!

    December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

    December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

    December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

    January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
    luckyone and New2prop like this.
  14. Redwing

    Redwing Well-Known Member

    9th Jun, 2006
  15. turk

    turk Well-Known Member

    18th Jun, 2015
    Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young
    pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

    She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and
    was replaced.

    This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her
    roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance
    which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an
    efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning
    she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate,
    she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but
    the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
    He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

    Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an
    overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace
    Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician
    could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by
    being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them
    when they weren't paying attention?

    Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
    luckyone, New2prop, TadhgMor and 2 others like this.
  16. willair

    willair Well-Known Member Premium Member

    30th Sep, 2009
    ..Dividend --Bludger ...
    Young person comes home from school,and asks his Father what's a "IQ" test ?,His dad thinks then quickly says ,well son if you above 150 your up there ,100 maybe average ,below 50 and you would be flat out tying your shoelaces,son thinks then tells his dad,ah is that why so many people wear thongs around here..
    luckyone and Scott No Mates like this.
  17. datto

    datto Well-Known Member

    23rd Jun, 2015
    Mt Druuiitt
    Patient: "Doctor I keep getting this feeling I'm a dog"

    Psychiatrist: "Mmm...how long have you been getting it?"

    Patient: "Ever since I was a pup".

    Doctor: "Mmmm...hop up on the couch"

    Patient "I'm not allowed on the couch"
    luckyone likes this.
  18. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

    18th Jun, 2015
    Sydney or NSW or Australia
    Latest joke from the US: Donald Trump
    datto likes this.
  19. kierank

    kierank Well-Known Member

    10th Oct, 2005
    Three newly-wed husbands, a Pom, a Yank and a Aussie, were down in the bar the night after their Wedding Night.

    The Yank asked the Pom: "How many times did you make love to your new wife last night?"
    The Pom replied: "10".
    The Yank asked: "What did your wife say to you this morning?".
    The Pom replied: "That was great. Thank-you".

    The Pom asked the Yank: "How many times did you make love to your lovely wife last night?"
    The Yank replied: "20".
    The Pom asked: "Wow!! What did your wife say to you this morning?".
    The Yank replied: "That was absolutely fantastic. That was unbelievable. Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you.".

    The Pom then turned to the Aussie and asked: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
    The Aussie replied: "Once".
    The Yank yelled: "Once!!! What did your wife say to you this morning?".
    The Aussie replied: "GET OFF!!!!!!".

    It is not about Quantity; it is about Quality.
    TadhgMor and datto like this.
  20. datto

    datto Well-Known Member

    23rd Jun, 2015
    Mt Druuiitt
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