Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in France's Charles de Gaulle Airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

 

Lucky you didn’t!

 

An Ex-colleague was discussing just that very point with the question being asked at interviews, she hates it as she's over 70.

 

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.



They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave.

 

What did the Eveready Battery sponsored swim team coach say to his nervous swimmers before the big race......"stay positive" lol.

 

Here! Here!

 

I think the 2020 Vice President needed to get involved. As well as Twitter, Facebook, Instagram...

 

Louie, a successful New York businessman walks into a bank and asks to borrow $5,000 for his 2-week overseas trip.

They ask Louie if he has any security, and he hands over the keys to his $600,000 Ferrari.

“No problem sir!” and they put the money in his account and go park his car in the garage.

2 weeks later and Louie comes back. It turns out he didn’t touch the loan so he happily paid the $15 interest and grabbed his keys back.

Meanwhile, the guy at the bank is busting – he can’t resist.

“Why” he blurts out “did you give us your Ferrari to secure such a small loan that you didn’t even use???”

“How else” replied Louie “could I park my Ferrari securely in New York for a fortnight for only 15 bucks!”

 

My children have a strange sense of humour & take after me

They were out and about and there was a smoker nearby (they detest smoking).

One mutters "Black Lungs Matter", the other responds "I can't breathe".

Who says kids aren't concerned about world affairs and health?

 

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop, a woman who was wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting at a bus stop .
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more, but again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"


The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”