Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says,
"Why such the long face?"
The horse being a horse and not able to understand english or comprehend the situation takes a **** on the floor and walks out!

 

A drover, who just moved to Queensland from Victoria ,

walks into a bar and orders three pots of XXXX.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the drover, "You know, a glass goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cattleman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.One's in 'Tassie' , the other one's a 'sandgroper’. When we all left our home in Echuca’, we promised that we'd drink this wayto remember the days when we drank together.

"So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothersand one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The drover becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three pots and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two pots.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The drover looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains,

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Salvation Army and I had to quit drinking.

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

For those of my generation who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists:

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

 

An Indian Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh... this is kerosene."
Indian: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Indian: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Indian: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Indian: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

Hats off to brilliant doctors from India!

 

Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?


Tequila

 

There's a band down here in Melbourne called Tequila Mockingbird. Not bad.

 

Bought the wife a fridge for her birthday. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

 

An irishman, a dutchman, and an aussie walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says, is this some kind of a joke?

A blonde walks into a bar. Ouch!

What do you call a smart blonde? A guide dog.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Not idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still not idea.

{deleted NSFW joke}

 

Marco Polo can't find the china..

Galileo defeated on star search..

 

I knew this guy with a wooden leg who was in a relationship with a woman who made her own whiskey.

She broke it off, but he was in love with her still.

 

While on a road trip, an elderly couple, stopped at a McDonalds for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip to the Gold Coast.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled at her: "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

 

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!
'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

 

A cool gift!

 

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, “Grandfather, are these plates clean?” His grandfather replies, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal.”

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, “Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?” Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, “I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don”t ask me about it anymore.”

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather”s dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. “Grandfather, your dog won”t let me out.” Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, “Coldwater, get out of the way!”