Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Living Room' started by HD_ACE, 18th Jun, 2015.

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  1. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    We've just employed a new credit manager, her name is Helen Waite.

    Now if customers require credit, they can go to Helen Waite :rolleyes:
     
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  2. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    And if she married somebody with the surname Back?
     
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  3. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    @geoffw - she kept her maiden name.
     
  4. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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  5. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    Here's an idea for an app, if anybody has the skills.

    Apparently it's compulsory to turn your car's headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

    So we need an app so that we know when it's raining in Sweden.

    As a bonus, it would have pictures of undressed headlights, to turn on your car's lights.
     
  6. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    :oops:
     
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  7. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the service for me?"

    The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

    Finally, the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

    Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied".

    The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You'd better hurry home quickly. My wife died a couple of years ago"
     
  8. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from
    her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went
    into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching Ali.

    "Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."
    "I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses. "How old?"
    She smiled and held up four fingers.

    It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8
    hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
     
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  9. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    A couple for @Gockie

    [​IMG]


    Question:- What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a unicycle?


    Answer :- Attire

    _______________________


    Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.

    It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

    ____________________

    I put Ginger in the curry. When the kids found out they wouldn't eat it. They miss the cat.
     
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  10. Purple Patch

    Purple Patch Well-Known Member

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  11. turk

    turk Well-Known Member

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    There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

    I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

    A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

    The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

    'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

    'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

    The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

    'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.

    The waiting room erupted in laughter...

    Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose....(yep, sure are)
     
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  12. datto

    datto Well-Known Member

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    Why did the cross eyed teacher quit?

    She couldn't control her pupils.
     
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  13. willair

    willair Well-Known Member Premium Member

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    Two Cannibals are eating a Clown..

    One Cannibal stops eating and asks the other Cannibal..

    Does this taste funny to you..
     
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  14. datto

    datto Well-Known Member

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    A clown got fired from his human canon ball act.

    He told his boss that he can't be replaced because you'll never find someone of the same calibre.
     
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  15. datto

    datto Well-Known Member

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    A clown was entering a club and held the door open for an elderly lady patron. She thought to herself, what a nice jester.
     
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  16. willair

    willair Well-Known Member Premium Member

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  17. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    I wish you two would stop clowning around and put this thread back on point.
     
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  18. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    If you're being attacked by two clowns, go for the juggler.
     
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  19. Hetty

    Hetty Well-Known Member

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    What does grandpa have that’s old, pink and wrinkly?

    Grandma
     
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  20. Terry_w

    Terry_w Lawyer, Tax Adviser and Mortgage broker in Sydney Business Member

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    Dr: Sir, you...
    Patient: Don't call me sir, it is maam.
    Dr: Sorry, maam you have testicular cancer.
     
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