Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Living Room' started by HD_ACE, 18th Jun, 2015.

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  1. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    Of course, the undertaker didn't appreciate it when the relatives put fireworks in the coffin just before Wally's cremation
     
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  2. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    They put the 'fun' back into 'funeral'
     
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  3. datto

    datto Well-Known Member

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    No. The undertaker was not amused. But Wally always wanted to go out with a bang lol.
     
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  4. Terry_w

    Terry_w Lawyer, Tax Adviser and Mortgage broker in Sydney Business Member

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    A blonde walks into a hair dresser and asks for a haircut but says to the hairdresser don't remove my ear phones.

    Hair dresser is doing the hair but just can't get at the area around the ears so she quickly pulls the ear phones out of her ears.

    The woman drops dead.

    They listen to what she was listening to on the ear phones and it was " breath in, breathe out" on repeat...
     
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  5. Phantom

    Phantom Well-Known Member

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    A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....

    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

    WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
    HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
    HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

    WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
    HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

    WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
    HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

    WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?”
    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

    WIFE: --silence --

    HUSBAND: "****”
     
    Last edited by a moderator: 19th Feb, 2019
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  6. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    Peter Tork from the Monkees passed away.

    Now I'm a bereaver.
     
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  7. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    In breaking news, Netflix is buying out Yahoo. The new HQ is to be set up in Israel.

    It will be called Net 'n Yahoo.
     
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  8. Terry_w

    Terry_w Lawyer, Tax Adviser and Mortgage broker in Sydney Business Member

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    I went out the other night and picked up a 60 year old woman. I was thinking she was pretty hot for her age, and she probably had an even hotter daughter. We had a few drinks and then she asked if I had ever had a "sportman's double"? What is that I asked and she told me it was a threesome with a mother and daughter.

    I was picturing the daughter in my mind as we went back to her place. Just after we walked in she turned on the light and yelled upstairs "Mum, are you still awake?"
     
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  9. Phantom

    Phantom Well-Known Member

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    Franc always looked on the bright side of things. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse."

    To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Franc could find no hope in it.

    On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Franc, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

    "That's awful," said Franc, "but it could have been worse."

    "How in the hell could it have been worse?" asked his bewildered friend.

    "Well," replied Franc, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
     
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  10. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    This was from the email for an online travel industry newsletter. A rather interesting article description.

    Screenshot_20190327-141027.png
     
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  11. Purple Patch

    Purple Patch Well-Known Member

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  12. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    For the first time ever, the UK could perhaps see the end of May before the end of April.
     
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  13. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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  14. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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  15. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents.

    After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man.

    The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

    "So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

    "I am a biblical scholar," he replied

    "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"

    I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

    "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

    "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

    "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

    "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

    The conversation proceeded like this... and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

    Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"

    The father answered, "He's a Labor voter. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God. "
     
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  16. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    You couldn't really have an NFL - AFL match. Imagine Parramatta v West Coast. That would be eel eagle.
     
  17. Beano

    Beano Well-Known Member

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  18. Phantom

    Phantom Well-Known Member

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    Bill Shorten walked into a bank to cash a cheque
    When he’s called over to the teller, he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
    The teller replied, "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
    Bill Shorten said, "Truthfully, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I’m the leader of the Labour Party of Australia."
    The teller said, "Yes sir, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
    Shorten said, “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they’ll tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
    The teller said, "I’m sorry, Mr Shorten, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them"
    Getting a bit agitated, Shorten snapped, “C'mon woman, I’m urging you, please, to cash this cheque.."
    The teller said, "Look Mr Shorten, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
    "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr Shorten, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
    Bill Shorten stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there’s nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue."
    With a big smile, the teller said, "Will that be large or small notes, Mr Shorten?
     
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  19. Terry_w

    Terry_w Lawyer, Tax Adviser and Mortgage broker in Sydney Business Member

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    Who Is Jack Schitt?

    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

    We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

    Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

    Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, who was named Jack..

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

    Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout..

    After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

    Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

    The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

    The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

    Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

    He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

    Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.


    Sincerely,

    Crock O. Schitt
     
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  20. SatayKing

    SatayKing Well-Known Member

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    What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

    A hot cross bunny.

    I know, I know but.....
     

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