Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Living Room' started by HD_ACE, 18th Jun, 2015.

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  1. Dan Donoghue

    Dan Donoghue Well-Known Member

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    A friend of mine said an onion is the only food that can make you cry.

    So I threw a coconut at his face.
     
    Dan Donoghue, 13th Mar, 2018
    #241
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  2. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    Q. What do IKEA and Barnaby Joyce have in common?



    A. One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
     
    Scott No Mates, 18th Apr, 2018
    #242
    balwoges, 158, Purple Patch and 3 others like this.
  3. Phantom

    Phantom Well-Known Member

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    Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.

    His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
     
    Phantom, 19th Apr, 2018
    #243
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  4. Ross Forrester

    Ross Forrester Well-Known Member

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    How do you introduce a hamburger?




    Meat patty.
     
    Ross Forrester, 19th Apr, 2018
    #244
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  5. Gockie

    Gockie Life is good ☺️ Premium Member

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    30743153_2047342692243202_29222334711726080_o.jpg
     
    Gockie, 20th Apr, 2018
    #245
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  6. chylld

    chylld Well-Known Member

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    Dark humour is like food. Not everyone gets it.
     
    chylld, 20th Apr, 2018
    #246
    mikey7 and 158 like this.
  7. Gockie

    Gockie Life is good ☺️ Premium Member

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    Oh dear. Because of your post I ended up reading a dark humour reddit last night....definitely not workplace friendly material...
     
    Gockie, 21st Apr, 2018
    #247
    chylld likes this.
  8. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    part21.895B7463.62E70420%40monash.edu.jpg
    I guess if a cat uses kitty litter...
     
    geoffw, 23rd Apr, 2018
    #248
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  9. dabbler

    dabbler Well-Known Member

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    That is what you call a dumped dog.
     
    dabbler, 23rd Apr, 2018
    #249
  10. Purple Patch

    Purple Patch Well-Known Member

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    Location:
    Darwin
    Aussie Computer Terminology - Getting ready for

    Broadband in the bush!! A little bit of Aussie culcha.


    LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.

    LOG OFF: When you want the fire to go out.

    MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

    DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

    HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

    KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

    WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.

    SCREEN: Keeps the mozzies out.

    BYTE: What mozzies do.

    MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

    CHIP: A pub snack.

    MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

    MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

    LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

    SOFTWARE: Ladies undies.

    HARDWARE: Protective clothing for workers.

    MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

    MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

    WEB: What spiders make.

    WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda.

    SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

    CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

    YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

    UPGRADE: A steep hill.

    SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

    MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

    USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

    NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

    INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

    NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

    ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

    OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough
     
    Purple Patch, 28th Apr, 2018
    #250
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  11. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    I met Tom Hanks once. I asked him for his autograph, but all he wrote was thanks.
     
    geoffw, 29th Apr, 2018
    #251
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  12. dabbler

    dabbler Well-Known Member

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    lol....microchip should be something from McDonalds or France
     
    dabbler, 29th Apr, 2018
    #252
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  13. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    A lot of people watching the royal wedding were paying attention to Meghan's dress.

    In the meantime, all her colleagues were in Suits.
     
    geoffw, 23rd May, 2018
    #253
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  14. geoffw

    geoffw Moderator Staff Member

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    Newcastle
    I asked my wife what sort of olives I should buy. She told me to get stuffed.
     
    geoffw, 8th Jun, 2018
    #254
    ms420, Lemmy a fiver, dabbler and 1 other person like this.
  15. Scott No Mates

    Scott No Mates Well-Known Member

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    Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
     
    Scott No Mates, 8th Jun, 2018
    #255
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  16. dabbler

    dabbler Well-Known Member

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    What teh ?
     
    dabbler, 8th Jun, 2018
    #256
  17. 158

    158 Well-Known Member

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    Brisbane, Qld
    Friday Funny:

    A top real estate agent was strolling down the beach when he found an old lamp. Ever the optimist, he started rubbing the lamp and lo and behold a genie appeared before him.

    “I will grant you three wishes, but since you’re a real estate agent and need to learn humility for every wish you are granted, your biggest rival agent will get double whatever you wish for.”

    The agent thought long and hard and finally accepted the genie’s offer.

    “I wish for $10,000,000!!”

    “Your wish is granted. You now have $10,000,000 and your rival now has $20,000,000”

    “I wish for a vintage Ferrari!”

    “Your wish is granted. You now have a vintage Ferrari and your fiercest rival now has two vintage Ferraris”.

    “You have now used two wishes and only have one left. Choose wisely. What is your final wish?”

    “I wish I could donate a kidney!”
     
    158, 15th Jun, 2018
    #257
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  18. Terry_w

    Terry_w Lawyer, Tax Adviser and Mortgage broker in Sydney Business Member

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    He should have made it a testicle!
     
    Terry_w, 15th Jun, 2018
    #258
    astonma, Ted Varrick, Phantom and 4 others like this.
  19. Gockie

    Gockie Life is good ☺️ Premium Member

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    Stick with kidney. Because what if his biggest rival was a woman???
     
    Gockie, 15th Jun, 2018
    #259
    Phantom, Terry_w and Scott No Mates like this.
  20. Paul@PAS

    Paul@PAS Tax, Accounting + SMSF + All things Property Tax Business Plus Member

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    He doesnt believe in dog either
     
    Paul@PAS, 15th Jun, 2018
    #260
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