Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic ,
fell into a river ,
all died .
Each husband cried for a week ,
one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked that did he miss his wife so much ?
he replied miserably :
No
My wife
missed
the bus !!!

 

A hamburger walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

I've deleted all the German sounding names from the contacts on my mobile. It's now Hans free.

One lawyer in town: poverty. Two lawyers in town: prosperity.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

That's all Folks.

 

Mixed emotions - your mother-in-law test-drives your new Tesla. She mistakes the brake for the accelerator and drives over a cliff killing her and writing off the car.

 

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor. After only two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age.(I am 70).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.........

She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ****

 

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said the show's host,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left -- phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
or d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin..."
Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Bloody hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple. it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
Mick hung up the phone and said, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the host screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy...how in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
“Because he lives in a bloody clock!"

 

What if he lied?

 

"What does gay mean?" asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.
"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."

 

In order to provide a bit of balance.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odours, and don't work half the time.

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her. Pity her.

I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"

 

That is NOT like my lawn mower. It is well built, sharp and can go for four hours without stopping.

 

My kids were wanting new phones. Being old school, I went looking for some Chinese made models.

The wife asked me to check the sort of sim they needed.

I said, that they have to meet Australian standards, so dim would be OK.

 

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times so far!"

 

Warning: This joke has 1 or more mathematical bends to it...

 

@Gockie - you've really gone off on a Tan-gent.

 

WHO DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course!
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

 

You should go borrow some from a baker, they're rolling in it.