Entertainment & Music Joke Thread

I was thinking "a bullet".

 

I was having a stroll through the Cemetery yesterday when I came across some council workers digging up a grave.
Being the nosy ******* I am, I went over and said, "What's going on?"
The guy in the hole said, "We're exhuming this body."
"Oh, is it part of some ongoing murder investigation?" I asked.
"No," he replied, "Centrelink have deemed him fit for work!"

 

A fella takes his mates for a drive in his new car.

He comes up to a red light and just drives straight through.

The passengers scream "why did you do that?, we could have had an accident!"

The driver explains "it's OK, my brother always does it"

Further ahead they approach a green light and the driver slams on the brakes to a sudden stop.

The passengers yell out "why are you stopping? it's a green light!"

The driver explains "Yeah I know, but my brother could be coming the other way"



lol

 

Irish Golfer

A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one. With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you
any wish."

The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me weeny a bit larger"

"Wish granted." says the leprechaun, as he skips away.

Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts.

He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him.

By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.

He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again.

After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one.

Again the leprechaun offered any wish.

The player asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer"

 

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room.

Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,

'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

 

Ridiculously funny

 

Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”


Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."

 

There was a story about insomnia on the news. They were using a drug that helps people stay awake. I think it was armodafinil. The protocol was to wake people at a given time, take armodafinil to stay awake, go to bed at a set time and get up at the set time. Over time the people train to sleep and they can reduce off the drugs. I cant find a story on it, sorry.

 

What's Insomnia ?

 

A very gifted Chinese doctor couldn't find a job in a hospital, so he opened his own clinic and put a sign outside:
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A high flying lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congratulations. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congratulations, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'.

 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding.
“But, Officer,” the man protested, “I can explain.”
“Be quiet,” ordered the officer. “You can sit in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, sir, I just wanted to say—“
“I told you to stay quiet! You’re going to jail" said the officer, interrupting the helpless motorist.
A couple of hours later the officer checked in on the man and said, “You’re lucky that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.”
“I doubt that,” answered the prisoner. “I’m the groom.”

 

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose....(yep, sure are)

 

A big city lawyer went duck hunting on the Eastern Shore He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Washington, D.C. and, if you don't let me retrieve that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here on The Shore. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and, being the person he was, decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

A smoker was smoking at the airport. A gentleman came & asked him:
How many do you smoke a day?
Smoker: I don't count them. Why?
Gentleman: If you had collected the money instead of smoking, the plane which is in front of you, would have been yours!
Smoker: Hmm....Really? Do you smoke?
Gentleman: No!
Smoker: Is that plane yours?
Gentleman: No.
Smoker: Thanks for your advice, but that plane is mine.
Lesson? Mind your own business!

Have a great Weekend everyone!

 

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.
Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.
Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked: "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"
"Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"
"You'd swear to that...?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere…" insisted Ted.


"Good. Then YOU fire her."