How do you manage Envy (Motivation vs. Self-Acceptance vs Emulation)?

I guess at some point over the course of our lives, we've met some person that is on the surface so superior to us, that we are envious/jealous of their success. Have you and if you have - how have you managed that burning envy beneath you?

It's funny how when I was younger, say pre-mid 20s, I'd always find an excuse to bring down that person or try to fault them. Looking back now, I would have certainly have benefitted if I had actually had calmed down and learnt or at least study their successes.

As I grew older, I more or less acknowledge the person I envied was basically superior in that aspect but then tried to emulate them, problem here was I couldn't and it wasn't really adaptable to my lifestyle in many ways. More recently, I've tried the adaptability/self acceptance approach whereby I'd assess where I am compared to them but accept that some things cannot be replicated and I'd need to see what suits me best given what they can do if that makes sense.

I also find it strange that when I compare myself to those "above" me, I feel insecure/inadequate and self doubt myself but when I see others less fortunate than me, I never really give it a second thought of how they'd perceive me....and in some ways I felt spoilt.

 

I think it comes down to personalty/level of wisdom achieved in life. I know people who couldn't care less how successful others may be, they just play their own game and it doesnt worry them at all. While others are very envious/jealous, pushing others down and minimising their success in order to feel better about themselves and cover up their own poor self esteem. I think if people are being really honest, we all do this in some aspect of our lives in some way. Though some people are just toxic and jealous to a level which is soul destroying.

You never really know how happy/healthy etc someone else is. Looking from the outside in can be very deceiving.

Growing up and especially since staring my wealth creation journey, I've always had a healthy level of envy for those who have clearly done well. Rather than being jealous and wanting to push them down, I've often tried to analyse what they do, learn from them and take parts of their wisdom/knowledge etc and apply it to my own path in order to do better.


At the end of the day, my partner and I have always just wanted to ... (see my signature)

 

@willister

Jordan Peterson has a chapter on this in his book 12 Rules for Life.
"Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today."

Grab a copy and have a read, may help.

Basically, run your own race.

 

That is a very honest post - thank you for that.

And it’s not necessarily just ‘success’ in terms of money and property.

When I read the OP, I thought of family and relationships.

Covid has brought a lot of things into focus for many. In the deepest, darkest and loneliest days of Covid I wished my family was emotionally close - but that’s not going to happen.

I still sometimes listen to people talking about their close and loving relationships with their parents and feel a bit like a kid with their nose pressed against the window of a lolly shop…like looking into a different world.

This is where conscious thinking can help - reminding ourselves what we are grateful for. Of the things we do have (no matter how small). And helping someone else out can turn that thinking around too.

 

Funny thing is that for the most part I don't see myself as envious until I'm actually hearing or seeing it. I'd probably say in my case it's more lack of self esteem / inferiority complex than actual envy....if I'm compare to some others I've achieved a heck of a lot but when you compare it to those that are "higher" then it doesn't seem so much of a deal. Sometimes it's more like hell why him and not me or when is it my turn??!?!?

Most people say health is your greatest asset and it is...and also family but when you have this and the person you envy does you seem to yearn for more...then comes the materialistic things. I dislike myself for this but I'll share it anyway, I met my SIL's cousins (2 which are exact same age as me one male one female) when I was 17...so we went through the whole Yr.12, uni, job, get married, have kids phase concurrently, we don't meet up outside visiting my SIL/brother's parties. However, as we all had kids, we see each other pretty often at the childcare and primary school because we go to the same one....our kids are similar in age.

Thing is at least financially I haven't moved much from where I was 5-8 years ago, have one bad ip and a CIP that needs serious attention. I can't seem to help myself but compare...SIL's Cousin 1 is a pharmacist, sold two and has made millions dumping it in blue chip property before the boom. Cousin 2 works corporate but had a side business which she sold off to a larger corporation for a handy profit, also has a gazillion ips which has made fat profits...oh a architect husband helps. Both held huge lavish weddings, I didn't even bother holding one due to lack of numbers. They drive high end German cars and are moving onto Teslas....I'm still holding onto my trusty 10 year old Toyota Camry. Private secondary schooling or earlier is on the cards. High end French/Italian handbags for ladies, my Mrs. thankfully thinks a $250 Kate Spade handbag is good value for money.

Deep down though, the thing that hits home really is that we were all once on the "same level"...I just either squandered it or just haven't been that lucky/successful. It doesn't consume me but all the frequent bumping into each other is just a constant reminder. My thinking isn't really wanting to be on their level because I know it's not healthy to think that unless I win Tattslotto but it's more the so called "When is it my turn to have some luck...Why not me?"

Thanks for reading!

 

No point in envying anyone.
You have no idea of what is really going on on their lives.
Almost always you only see the side they present to the world.

 

All this is true...

I have twins (now 11yo) and it is fascinating seeing their different personalities develop in parallel - raised the same in the same environment, but completely different. About 2 years ago, we got some results back from school and were looking through them. Twin A had pretty good results, but Twin B had outstanding results. We weren't sure if we should show each of them the others results (in concern for Twin As feelings), but Twin B had already picked up Twin As results and was looking through it, so we thought it was only fair to show Twin A as well. Twin A picks it up and start reading and says "OMG Twin B, you did so well, congratulations"...

Fast forward to this year... there were some national academic competition things that they did. Twin B did pretty good - top 20% I think. Then we saw Twin As results - she has been working really hard, and the results have paid off - top 5% in 2 of the tests and top 1% in the third. Twin B got his nose out of joint and was disappointed as opposed to excited for his sibling.

Different people, different response... as parents we try to teach them to take these situations as learning experiences and that we can assist is they want to improve, but fundamentally it is up to them...

I was actually thinking about this topic in relation to myself and how I feel about others' successes, and my own aspirations. I think I am possible envious/jealous of some others' achievements, but not in a bad way, and not in a negative way towards the other person. I am more than happy to celebrate the success of others (even in a situation where I miss out - like a promotion) as I do want to learn from the success of others, and take their success as an inspiration. There may be some things I'm not able to achieve - without making sacrifices that I am not prepared to make. So it is essentially a decision of my own choosing (or result of historical decisions), and I have no one to blame/thank for that except myself. Its not something I externalise and put on to others, but I guess it is also not a productive emotion, and I'd be better off converting it to acceptance or satisfaction with what I have in those situations where I have made that decision.