Grumpy old men

... also known as Irritable Male Syndrome.

After some advice - or simply anecdotes - from both the blokes and gals. Love hubby but, now as he's passing mid-50's, he's turning into a grumpy old man. Driving me and junior nuts with his lecturing and niggling and sometimes straight out rudeness that he treats as a joke.

I finally bought it up yesterday, straight out that I think he has IMS, and gave him some information on the symptoms. He will barely talk to me now.

Perfect example of the irritating behaviour - and probably last straw which made me start investigating further - this week he wanted some oranges, so I bought - but apparently the oranges I bought were "too big" and that I needed to buy smaller oranges. I ended up with a big lecture about how I bought the wrong sized oranges and that I needed to buy smaller oranges ... hang on ... oranges are oranges and they grow to the size that they grow (confused look) ... seriously ... do you hear yourself ... then he offered junior some of his orange and she declined - so she got a big lecture on healthy eating. I know it sounds a stupid example, but it was just the last in around 4 years of ever increasing irritating and generally shi**y behaviour. Before this he was fun and happy husband - albeit introverted.

He refuses to think the problem is with him - and therefore must be with me ... probably because his behaviour pushes my buttons and I get short with him.

Now - reading up on IMS, it is caused by a loss of testosterone when blokes hit 50-ish (about the time it all started) and a slow loss of the feeling of "usefulness" ... but how does one convince them that they may have something that needs to be looked at when they refuse to believe the problem is with them?

Whole lot of other factors - he's not real happy at his work, love the job but not the hours and the boss, and he's not like the other blokes at work (who are into camping and motorbikes etc) - misses social connections now that we're no longer in suburbia, but won't do anything to socialise, and grumbles when I "drag" him along to a get together - doesn't have any hobbies, despite me trying to get him interested in other things (bought him flying lessons for Christmas which he is yet to use) - option is approaching for semi-retirement as we have our investments rolling along nicely, which he says he really wants to do but I'm not so sure - he seems to be constantly worried about having enough money although, by early next year, we'll have enough passive income to cover his wage.

I'm about to start building a house with this guy - who I don't know if I really like very much anymore. Love him but the thought of spending the next 30+ years with an ever increasing grumble bum and party popper is a real drag on my positive personality.

I gather this is one of the main reasons women get divorced in their 50's ... their testosterone rises, so they have more energy and passion for life - at the same time their partners' drop and they lose the same.

Any suggestions - or simply stories of how there is light at the end of the tunnel

 

He sounds like me (just a bit older). Good reminder to change my attitude!

 

Being grumpy and stressed is not a good state to be in so hopefully he will read and decide to do something when he is ready.

From a quick read, it seems like change of diet can help as well. any possibility of tweaking the menu at home? It sounds like PMS except it is persistent

 

Telling someone who's grumpy and may have an issue with their testosterone level will not go down well...

 

Definitely not ... but what else is one to do?

 

Try tweak their diet first with stuff that potentially alleviate the testosterone issue?

Deliver the 'honey, you have a problem' speech in a different way?

 

Maybe it will all change once you both become "financially -- independent"
early next year,or in a simple way ask the question ,,do you want to see a
Psychologist ,or buy him a train set ..

 

"Honey we both has hormonal issues, please go with me to Dr before we start strangling each other"?

 

Sounds like he could have menopause. I'm not a dr but affects men over 50 i believe. I think my dad has it, or had it

 

Yep - IMS is clinically accepted and is similar to menopause in that the hormone levels change.

From what I've read - women lose their high levels of oestrogen, ergo their testosterone component rises, which leads them to having more energy and passion for life - at the same time that men do the opposite and end up grumpier ...

I have just done the "we are both hormonally changing and need to be aware of the symptoms" chat ... so see what comes. I know that sounds strange, but we converse so much better when he's at work, via email, as it takes all the emotion and instant reaction out of the situation.

It just seems the finger waving, dictating lectures are getting thicker and faster lately ...

 

I think now that you have brought to his attention that he is being a bit of d*ck, and hard to live with; he will make the changes required.

 

Our hormones play tricks with us, but they are not us.

When your hubby is grumpy, don’t see him as grumpy but his hormones.

Don’t argue with his hormones. Rather, be on his side and help him manage his hormones. Without mentioning it.

Imagine him going through adolescence and how his mum dealt with it.

(This was the strategy my wife used on me to cure my bouts of senile nastiness. It worked).

 

I used to with dudes like that it does make sense now. Some made an art of being grumpy and telling people what to do, i enjoyed it living with is another story.
He might need a holiday, some beers and a day at the footy (or similar)

 

Hope so - I had bought it up before, but not so forcefully.

Just gets so draining - finger waving lecture yesterday on how I had to "tell" the builder (cottages reno) - lecture night before re oranges being to big - lecture night before about fire being to hot (due to his hormones as rest of the family were cold) - lecture night before about how new build needs to be sustainable (yes, that is how it is being designed!) - lecture night before about how new build needs to be kept on budget (yes, I know that!) - lecture about how the new house site slopes west to east (when it actually slopes NNW to SSE)... as an adult I do not need to be lectured at.

I understand that's how they convey information at work - but not home thanks.

 

Send him to his room? Okay ...

p.s. diet is good - rarely have takeaway (blergh) - nearly always home cooked, never deep fried, with lotsa veges, fresh salmon once a week and once a week no meat - lunch is leftovers - breakfast is homemade muesli (so no added sugar) ... he does need to drink more water, but that's not up to me

 

If that's how they convey info at work; they may have a Staff turnover problem?

 

Grump old ( middle age ) men = Working hard for 30 + years , not getting where they want to and no expectation of achieving their dreams , and realising they ARE just another brick in the wall and not a brick layer , not getting appreciated for the effort they put in ( or if they are , not being told about it ) , getting treated by kids who " know everything " with disrespect and total disregard Kids who value an opinion from the internet over a lifetime of hard earned experience and knowledge ...
double edge sword . There is a reason they are grumpy , is because they are men , they suffer in silence . Their frustration builds up because they don't say what they really feel , because it would hurt people and they don't want to do that to the ones they ( still ) love

Do you want me to go on ..

BTW , this knowledge is gained from work , not personal experience . I'm never grumpy .... , well , significantly less than most people , let along grumpy old men ....

Cliff

 

You're a tough mum

 

- yeh yeh - I "get" all that. But it's not something I can work out for him ... he knows he needs to work out "what he wants" himself - and I am 100% supportive of his decisions and try to offer suggestions ... but it has to come from him.

I suspect some of the problem is that he has never had to make a choice before - he embarked on his career because that company was the one that offered him a uni scholarship out of school - he first marriage was at her insistence (he admitted to me he didn't want to get married to her) - the kids arrived at her choice - his work/country movements have been dictated by the company - his career change was because they offered him a job when he was made redundant after 30 years with his first company - house movements were work or study based - his social life had been organised for his first 40 years by his family nd his ex, not so much by me - his ex chose to leave him, not mutual ... so really, everything has happened "to" him - rather than "by" him

For the first time in over 50 years, he is faced with choices - work/not work - where to live - travel/not travel ... we have talked about that, and I understand it is confronting ... but again, not something I can do for him.

Wow - this is perhaps getting a little personal

 

I've never heard of Irritable Man Syndrome. I'll have to try and be alert to the signs of it if it creeps up on me. I do find my myself getting annoyed more easily, but so far I manage to tell myself that the things I get annoyed about don't really matter, so it's more of an internal thing.
You've mentioned before about moving back into town. Might have to make that happen sooner. I get the sense that he is a bloke who needs social interaction that is unplanned and on his doorstep. I don't think that's uncommon with blokes. .