Domestic violence

Hope it's ok to post this, Simon
DV Line

 

Lifeline has been great so far. Hopefully we can help get her over this challenging time. You're right, we have no control over her behavior so we're trying to guide her gently so she doesn't disengage altogether as best we can. It's just quite sad situation atm but I'm confident there will be light at the end of the tunnel for her.

 

George, the best predictor of future behaviour is usually past behaviour.

 

Just be careful that you don't become his next/another target. You've got your family to look after too

 

Thanks, and agree. We are taking every precaution.

 

@Sackie , it may be worth waiting a period of time before she buys a house. If he finds out where she lives and causes issues, it will be much easier to move on again from a rental.

 

I will be the first to admit that I have very limited experience - but, as other have said, beware this period after leaving as the ex will now feel betrayed and humiliated and emasculated by her leaving (in his mind). It is the time they are most dangerous.

I am hoping he doesn't know where she is. Are her possession worth going back for, or can they be replaced? It may be that he changes the locks or installed cameras or any number of "that *****, I'll show her" issues.

I am concerned as have (over many years) had a few work colleagues/friends - and their supporters - violently beaten as they have tried to extricate themselves. I've also had some friends - who I've had to let go - that continue to either go back, or hook up with a new partner of the same trait.

I admire you no end - and can only send love and hope that this turns out well for all.

 

Sorry to hear about the situation your friend finds herself in @Sackie. You're a good friend.

My niece tweeted this from the Guardian yesterday Women in Papua New Guinea are suffering an epidemic of violence – the government must act | Papua New Guinea | The Guardian. At least in Australia women have access to support services but not in our nearest neighbour.

I know that we have a women's shelter in our LGA however the location is secret womens business.

If she hasn't already, I would suggest changing all of her passwords & PINs, recovery addresses etc & access to social media.

 

I had a tenant break a lease because he intervened in a domestic violence situation occurring next door - and afterwards was threatened by the perp. I was happy to let him leave, for his own safety, but felt saddened for the neighbouring lady ... she was lovely if you spoke to her alone but was so downtrodden, with her self esteem destroyed at his endless bullying, she wouldn't leave

I know that you know - but the problem with her not reporting is that there is no history on file if/when things either escalate, so anything that happens next becomes a "once off" incidence ... or if/when he moves onto a new partner

 

Planning to move back home which is in a different state. Buy a ppor, rent it for 6 to 12 months while she stays with family. I think it's a good idea as she has a big support network over there. She doesn't want to wait to buy.

 

Some very sentimental stuff...that's the only reason we're going back to get it. Otherwise the clothes etc definitely not worth it.

No he doesn't know where she is atm. It is somewhat nerve racking for us but to do nothing is just not an option we could live with. Also if my daughter was ever in this situation I'd hope someone would be willing to help her.

 

I have tried and tried to get her to report. But she's too afraid. And tbh I don't blame her. By reporting she may win the battle but one day lose the war....it's a tough one. I can see both sides.

 

Just think of the next person that hooks up with this bloke, he hasn't learnt anything other than he can get away with it.

 

Totally agree. That's why I think it's important it gets reported so there is some history of this. But at the end of the day, it's not upto me and I have to respect her decision.

 

Have a few of you go to the house with her. The ex may have cameras set up or have her tracked. Whenever I would go back to the house he would magically appear within 30mins so the kids and I ended up with very little.
The fear would be stopping her from pressing charges, and knowing that retaliation is likely. Most DV situations end up having the woman feel like somehow they deserve it, so there is guilt in leaving.
Making her feel safe is the best thing u can do.

 

Just as an FYI, you actually can report it and in some cases the Police will take out an AVO despite the wishes of the parties involved if they feel they are in need of protection. It’s not like “pressing charges” for lack of a better term as an AVO is civil not criminal. Even if you report the information and no action is taken, it will be kept on record and could later be used to support her if the need arises to take one out at a later date.

 

Thanks @beachgurl , a couple of us are going with her when he will be at work. Should be only 10 mins in and out.