Does anyone else hate the idea of asking family for help?

This isn't to do with any weird family issues or politics specific to my family. It's just the idea of losing control.

I used money from a LOC to fund my most recent purchase. They are a second tier lender and had weird rules that I wasn't expecting around transfers, so I would have missed settlement. I reluctantly had to ask my father in law for a small loan ($80k) that I would literally pay him back within days, as that's how long the final LOC transfer would take.

But it made me sick to the stomach for even asking. At times I almost felt like vomiting.

He's a multi-millionaire and has plenty of surplus cash to throw around, and he was, and still is almost begging us to let him help us out with other things we are having to dig deep to pay for (renos etc). But that's not the point. I hate the idea of asking anyone for help, outside of financial institutions. Self independence is so important to me, I remember counting down the days when I was legally allowed to apply for my first part time job (13 and 10 months back in those days). The idea of asking my parents, or anyone for that matter, for money just sickens me...and even to this day I find it difficult to accept someone even buying me something as simple as a cup of coffee.

Does anyone else feel the same way? Most of you are extremely self-driven and independent, I figure I can't be alone with this way of thinking.

 

But….are you planning to groom your kids into taking over your fortune when you die?

 

Yeah when I borrowed the $80k I calculated every single day of interest. Since it was only a few days it amounted to literal peanuts. He insisted it wasn't necessary but I just cannot take a free ride no matter what. I always pay what I owe. But I still hated every minute of owing him money.

 

No kids, no plans.

 

Do you buy others coffee sometimes? I think it's wonderful if it's someone shouting you coffee or lunch then another time you pay.

 

Oh I love it. I splurge on friends and family. I go crazy on it. Absolutely love it. I just hate reciprocation. Like as if the only reason they're doing it is to return a favor. I hate that. When I do something for someone, there are no strings attached.

 

I don’t like friends buying me a coffee or anything either. But family, not really an issue for me. Like dad bought me my first car and there were never any plans to pay him back. When he died I inherited money which is the same really. I’ll definitely help my kids out with purchasing their first properties but not until they have full time jobs.

I think for me I don’t like my friends buying me anything because I’m better off financially than them so I feel guilty. I too am fine with buying them coffee. Maybe it’s the same for you?

 

Maybe a bit of that yeah. I think the main reason is the idea of losing control - being indebted to anyone that isn't easily quantifiable.

Growing up in an Asian culture, nothing is clear. So much s*** is left unsaid. You need to learn to read minds. I f***ing hate that. I love how in western culture people just say what they feel and if they want something, they ask. I hate the idea of owing something that I don't know the value of. So I borrowed that money - what does it mean? What do I need to do for you in the future? What have you bought from me? Nothing is ever clear. That's why I love borrowing from financial institutions - it's black and white, the way I like it.

 

I’m like that too. I’ve been so broke at times from moving states, being unemployed, yet earning rental income which covered the interest but no living expenses. I remember one time a complete stranger gave me something I needed. I said something like, “but what can I give you”. She said I needed to learn ‘gratitude’. I think that was about 8years ago, and I still need to learn this. Gratitude - Definition, Meaning & Synonyms
My husband is twice as bad as me! After our wedding we went out with some of my interstate relatives. My uncle said to me, “your husband is doing every shout, he’s going to send you broke. He should let others have a round ”
My husband finds it very hard to receive! I think it comes down to upbringing.
Why It's Difficult for Someone to Receive a Gift

 

I over compensate. If someone takes me to lunch, I'll take them to eat 15 lobster lunches. I struggle with it.

 

I don’t mind asking for help or being asked for help (money or otherwise- as long as everything is cleared from the the very start)
Fortunately or unfortunately we are always being asked…

 

What interest rate did you use and how much did you repay him

 

I took the highest interest rate I could find in his country and used that, regardless of whether he was with that bank or not.

 

3-4%? For a short term loan I'd probably offer him 10% or min $2k

 

Take over the business, yes.

 

I do deals with my dad all the time, but it's beneficial to both.

Re your situation, I would do it if I had to, then gift the family lender generously after.

 

Your really need to learn accepting a gift without having to give something else in return. I went to a wedding with my husband about 10 years ago, they asked for money only as gifts. We’d gifted $100. My husband felt so bad after a couple of hours that he didn’t gift more so got the envelope back and gifted another $50.
Through my own experiences I think those that are so generous to others don’t gift themselves

 

Clearly it's an issue you have, loan was paid back that's it. And nothing wrong with returning a favor.
For all your "independence" maybe you're afraid of what others may think. And you're obviously not that close.

I have no problem asking, giving money with close family. Nor discussing biz/finance situations with them either.
I even do it with a few close friends.

 

The bank of mum & dad has been around forever - I've limited my need to seek these funds or other in-kind borrowings (ie free childcare, temporary housing, borrowing cars/tools etc).

However, when you need it, you need it. Be gracious, accept the offer & repay the debt asap, don't take advantage of the situation & cause tongues to wag.