Coronavirus Humour

Corona virus

 

... and those that do will "live long and prosper"

 

With all of the hysteria surrounding the pending deeming of some pandemic and the hoarding of certain non-perishable goods, we will describe this event as 'the Great toilet paper shortage of 2020' when talking to the grand kids.

 

Old joke: The vicar visits two elderly spinsters and is perplexed to see a condom on their piano. The urge to ask why is irresistible. Comes the answer: "Well you see vicar, we found this packet in the street and it said 'place on organ to prevent infection'. We haven't got an organ so put it on the piano. And do you know, we haven't had a cold all winter."

This is not medical advice

 

I went to my local traditional cake shop and asked for a dozen date rolls.

They'd self-imposed a 4 roll limit.

 

Were they executed by the Religious Police?

 

My fear is there will be a shortage of spaghetti due to lack of workers to harvest the crop.

 

Well it's already happening with a lack of spaghetti on the shelves at the local IGA Colesworth.

The local Salvos meeting hall must be running short of a crowd that the sign out front says "Come to our church service, we have toilet paper".

 

UK Virus ALERT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “****** Off” to “Let's Get the *******.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

The Russians have said “Its not us”

 

Large groups learning to breathe through their cloaca, note that they are sticking to the 1 metre rule.

 

I was wondering where ''Datto's '' been as he has not posted for a while..

 

Bunnings cornering the market
Bunnings is selling MEGA rolls of toilet paper that last an entire year | Daily Mail Online